TITLE: When in Rome
AUTHOR: Sam Carton
EMAIL: Stardoor@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Action/Adventure, Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: None to my knowledge but please don't kill me if there are. It might hurt and I am allergic to pain!
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 1, I am informed with certainty (thanks to my beta reader Corinne!!)
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Put your brain on hold for some of the ludicrous situations that occur but I hope they are enjoyable.
SUMMARY: Jack's made a little foul up which leads to some interesting situations!
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis and here
DISCLAIMER: No, the characters aren't mine. I have never owned SG1 in any way shape or form and am certainly not likely to in the future! This piece of fiction was written strictly for fun and no profit was made from it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

The SG-1 team were preparing for another trip through the Stargate. It was early in the morning, all had gone smoothly... and O'Neill was wondering where Daniel Jackson had gone to.

"I can't find him anywhere." He remarked to Teal'c.

"I am sure Daniel Jackson will turn up in time." Teal'c replied.

"Or a few minutes late."

Moments later, Sam Carter had joined them for their regular walk down to the gate room, they reached their destination, the door slid back and...

"Hey, guys! What took you so long?" Daniel Jackson had a cup of coffee in one hand, a book about languages and ancient civilisations in the other and looked like he'd been waiting for them for a few minutes.

"So that's where you disappeared to!"

"Yeah. I couldn't sleep. So, I got up early, figured I'd get down here is good time and catch up on some reading."

"Well, well, well." O'Neill shook his head slowly, smiling. "You never fail to surprise me, Dr Jackson."

"Thanks. I think." Daniel replied.

"OK, let's do it!"

The gate went through its sequence, the huge inner ring turning while the chevrons locked with a reassuring clunk. The top chevron locked into place, the circuits glowed and a massive rush of energy activated the kawoosh, settling down into a smooth rippling mass. The team, by now fully briefed, stepped through it and into another world.

The planet they had arrived on was thick with foliage, looked lush and green... and set Daniel Jackson off in a fit of sneezes. He blew his nose loudly, looked at his team mates and gave a nervous smile.

"Hay fever. Sorry. I guess my tablets don't work on this planet or something like that."

"Oh, well." O'Neill shrugged. They checked the area, made sure the DHD was in working order and took a walk through the forest. Daniel could not stop sneezing, and it was getting embarrassing. He paused, took off his glasses and wiped his eyes. O'Neill looked at him with concern.

"Daniel, are you sure you're OK?"

"I'll be fine." Daniel said, "Really."

"OK. I'll take your word for it."

Much to Daniel's relief, the forest began to thin out and they found themselves on the outskirts of a city. It looked quite large, with simple building designs, wide streets and a large construction in the middle towering above surrounding buildings. They began their trek towards it which took half an hour or thereabouts... but would have taken less had Daniel not had to stop to sneeze some more.

"Daniel..." O'Neill shot him a look.

Daniel gave a wan smile. "I'm sorry... I guess the land here is really fertile... loads of pollen and stuff..." He got a tissue out of his pocket, wiped his eyes and blew his nose.

O'Neill sighed. Much as Daniel Jackson was an asset to have around, there were some things the Colonel was never going to understand. Quite how much one person could sneeze was one of them. The funny thing was that Daniel never seemed to have that much of a problem with the majority of the planets they visited.

The sun was high in the sky when they approached the city, then followed the nearest road to the main entrance of the city. It sounded bustling and lively, and become more apparent as they neared the city itself. The city was bordered with dwellings and seemed to have a definite network of streets that led to smaller streets, but from then on, it was anyone's guess as to the nature of the geography of the place.

The sound of loud music filled their ears and evidence of the happy nature of the town presented itself to them wherever they looked, in the form of banners, bright colours and a multitude of empty bottles in the street. Ahead of them a parade of inhabitants were dancing to the music, and beyond them a market was in full swing with people haggling, talking, and generally enjoying the atmosphere.

O'Neill found himself smiling. Now this was what he liked. Daniel was still sneezing but seemed to be humming along with the music, and Sam was looking around with curiosity. Even Teal'c seemed pleased with the atmosphere. Well, as pleased as he was going to look. The team neared the market, then took a look around. The inhabitants seemed to come from every single race imaginable. And even people of the less approachable races seemed friendly and carefree. The atmosphere really was infectious and the team found themselves chatting with the locals, while Daniel was in his element, discussing cultures with anyone who talked to him, and there were many. The team were offered wine, food and the opportunity to join in with the various party elements. Teal'c looked bemused.

"Lighten up - get in the party mood a bit." O'Neill suggested.

"The party mood? I do not understand."

"You will. I hope." O'Neill cast his gaze around the place and froze.

Over in a corner were about five serpent guards. He nudged Sam, who looked over to see what was concerning him.

"Snakeheads."

"I knew this place was too good to be true..." Sam began. "Wait a minute... there's something odd about them..."

The Serpent guards were drunk, to say the least. They were laughing, talking loudly and one was trying to dance, but failing miserably.

"What the -" O'Neill just stared. "I have never, ever seen a snakehead behave like that in my life." He turned to Teal'c. "Teal'c, is that... normal?"

"Indeed it is not. Such behaviour in public places a great deal of shame on the perpetrator of the act."

"That's what I thought." O'Neill said.

Ahead of them, a young Goa'uld, dressed in the customary gold serpent guard uniform, chatted easily with several beautiful, dark haired females. O'Neill furrowed his brow in puzzlement. Teal'c could not believe his eyes.

"What in the name of -" Sam began. "None of this makes any sense."

"My friends, I must leave you for a moment..." the young Goa'uld said. He made his way over to Sam. "My dear lady, you are indeed beautiful..."

He fixed her with a charming stare and his eyes glowed for a moment. Sam averted her gaze and backed off a little. "Forgive me for asking, but shouldn't you be taking over the planet or something?"

"We were sent here on a mission... but for some reason... I have totally forgotten what it was." the young Goa'uld looked thoughtful for a moment. "Still, while there is wine and merriment, let us enjoy!!" he linked his arm with Sam's and led her to join his small harem. She shot back a look that said "help!" Daniel went to get her away from the Goa'uld when he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He turned to see who it was and did a double take.

It was a gorgeous black haired female who looked for all the world like his wife, Sha're. Daniel stood in shock for a moment, stepped back and put his hand over his mouth.

"Does my appearance alarm you?"

"Yes..." began Daniel, then tried to clear his jumbled thoughts. He blushed furiously. "Uh... no... you just look like... my... my wife... that's all..."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah... The Goa'uld have her under their control... but I won't rest until I've got her back..."

"You must love her very much..."

"Yes. Yes I do." Daniel suddenly felt very depressed. This strange encounter was bringing back just how much he loved Sha're, how much he missed her. How much he wanted to see her again. And how much he despised the Goa'uld. The strange atmosphere seemed to have heightened his emotions and he could not keep his mind in check. The fact that he was stuffed up with hayfever did not help, either. He looked over at the golden suited Goa'uld and fixed him with a cold stare.

Meanwhile, O'Neill had found himself in the company of some beautiful young females and had joined them in dancing. He was sipping wine, which tasted sweet and very good, and was charmed by their company. He began wishing all missions were like this. Which made him think... how come the Goa'uld had no idea why he was in this place?

Unless he just had a very bad memory. Then again, the way this place was, it could make a person forget about everything.

He glanced over to where his colleagues were and saw a commotion about to take place involving...

"Oh no. Daniel!!" O'Neill yelled as he saw his colleague marching over to the young Goa'uld, pin him against the wall and start yelling at him.

O'Neill excused himself from his pleasing company and grabbed Daniel by the shoulder.

"Leave that Goa'uld alone. You don't know where he's been." O'Neill said.

"Yeah, I guess all this would look funny to you. You never could take anything seriously... you're always so damn optomisitc!!" Daniel shouted.

The Goa'uld wriggled from Daniel's grasp, looking confused and shocked. His small harem came over to comfort him, while Sam darted out of harm's way.

"Daniel, what's gotten into you?"

"I just want to know where Sha're is!" he snapped. "I... I saw someone... who looked just like her..."

"Daniel - we'll get her back." Sam said. "We're gathering more and more information about the Goa'uld all the time. Which kind of makes me think..."

"Think what?"

Sam looked over to the Goa'uld and then back to Daniel. "Leave the interrogation to me. If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, for heaven's sake rescue me."

Fifteen minutes later, Sam was back with puzzling findings. She joined the rest of the SG-1 team, wo were sitting in a quiet alleyway, discussing their findings.

"He has no idea of where Sha're is. In fact, when I mentioned Ra and Apophis, he had no idea who they were... and when I talked about the Stargate he just laughed and called it a gateway to a good time..."

Daniel sighed, then blew his nose. He was still sneezing badly, and felt miserable. His eyes kept watering which mainly concerned him as he was running out of tissues.

"Is he just weird or is there something going on we should know about here?"

"I talked to several people and they didn't seem to know what was going on." Sam said. "It was like they had their minds on having a good time and nothing else."

At that moment, a group of townspeople chanced upon the SG-1 team, took them all by the hands and led them into the centre of the merriment once more. Teal'c was getting used to the music and atmosphere and allowed his strong, silent demeanour to slip... if just a little bit. Daniel looked around and marched off, his shoulders slumped. O'Neill wondered just what was up with him, but figured he might need some time alone. Sure enough, reminders of his wife weren't going to make his day but he'd been in situations like this before and never had this reaction.

Daniel marched through the dancing crowds and hid himself behind a building where he sat quietly, staring into space. He had tears streaming down his face and wished the pain in his heart would leave him. He drew his knees up to his chest and hung his head, his mind trapped in bittersweet memories of the past.

Sam Carter and Teal'c were in the heart of the party, and watched in amazement as a fresh, red haired young female took hold of O'Neill by the waist and kissed him full on the lips. The Colonel responded, with Sam giggling and putting her hand over her mouth. At that moment, she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder. She turned to see her little Goa'uld friend looking her up and down.

"In your dreams, pal!" she said.

"You are... in my dreams already..."

Sam froze. Then she wanted to be sick. She took a step away from the Goa'uld. "You'd better learn some new chat up lines, kid. That one was abysmal!"

He approached her. "Please... I find you most attractive... and charming..."

Sam could feel the colour draining from her face. She didn't even like the Goa'uld that much. The thought of one of them pursuing her in this way was not appealing in the least.

"Go back to your fan club. I'm not interested."

"But..." he put his hands on her shoulders. They were soft and small with long fingers. The Goa'uld was fixing her with a gaze from big dark eyes that threatened to be attractive. His jet black hair framed well defined features and a smile that was to die for. Caught up in the atmosphere where it was clear that anything went, Sam leaned forward and found herself kissing the Goa'uld softly on the lips.

"Captain Carter!" Teal'c snapped.

"Huh?" Sam drew back, stood up straight and looked at the Goa'uld, who had a blush across both cheeks.

"What do you think you are doing?"

Sam blinked hard and shook her head. "I'm sorry... I guess I just... forgot myself."

The Goa'uld smiled happily and tried to go to her side. She stepped away.

How could I? Sam thought, joining Teal'c. She blushed deeply and tried to stop looking at the Goa'uld - which was hard as his eyes were constantly on her. It was just her luck that he had to be so damn cute!

"Teal'c - one word of this to anyone and I'll..." Sam paused, looking Teal'c up and down. There was not much she could threaten him with. "I'll never forgive you."

"You have my word." He said, his face as serious as ever. However, Sam was sure she could see a little glint of amusement out of the corner of his eye.

At that moment, O'Neill joined them, laughing and sipping yet more wine. "There is definitely something in the air here."

"Yes. I am certain that has already been proved." Teal'c stated.

Sam wanted to curl up and die. She knew damn well what Teal'c was saying. The Colonel, luckily, didn't seem to.

Daniel wiped his eyes and sat for a good long while, staring into space. He had no desire to get up, to go anywhere or do anything. It was at that moment, a voice woke him from his daydreams.

"You seem a little young to wait to be taken to the forest."

"What do you mean?"

"The forest provides for us... and when we are of age, we provide for the forest."

"Huh?" Daniel looked at the person who had spoken. It was a fairly elderly man, dressed in simple clothing, with quick blue eyes. "I don't understand."

"You will not wish to remain here after sunset." The man said.

"Why? What do you mean, you provide for the forest?" Daniel asked.

"It is a long and complicated story."

"I'd like to hear it if you've got time to tell me."

"Time... yes... come with me. It is almost time."

"For what?" asked Daniel, aware that his hayfever was fading. He blew his nose once more and followed the old man down a side alley.

O'Neill was still partying away having a great time, while Sam was attempting to fight off her young admirer. It was just her luck he had to be one of the enemy. Sam was sure he wasn't naturally like this. The sun was beginning to set, casting a red glow across the streets. Some of the masses started to disperse into houses and smaller dwellings, while a number were too drunk to move. Sam's little Goa'uld friend led her and Teal'c into his residence, after which they lost track of where the Colonel was. They tried to get back into the street but he had already barred the door.

For the first time, his young face was serious, even though he had the look of someone in a dreamworld.

"We shouldn't be out there when it's dark." He said. He hung his head, making his long black hair fall over his shoulders. "It's dangerous..."

Suddenly, he snapped back into his usual partying mode.

"But... let us not forget what we are here for!" his head snapped up, he reached for some wine glasses, put them in Teal'c and Sam's hands and poured them some wine, a huge grin on his face.

"How come you're so cheerful?" Sam asked.

"Why should I not be? This place provides everything I need."

Teal'c went to the window. "I still cannot see Colonel O'Neill."

"I hope he's managed to find himself somewhere to stay the night."

"Judging from his actions, I do not think that will be a problem."

Further down the road, Colonel O'Neill realised just how intoxicated he was. He staggered after his new found friends, not caring much where he was going, when he tripped and fell flat on his face. Giggling, he got to his feet and tried to walk in a straight line.

C'mon Jack - snap out of it! If General Hammond saw this, your ass would be straight in the brig!! Colonel O'Neill took a deep breath, put his hands in his pockets and tried to walk normally down the street, aware that he still had a distance before he caught up with his new found companions.

At that moment, he saw something scurrying across the street.

Hmm... Seems interesting... he thought. He leaned against a wall to stop himself from falling flat on his face again and took another look around. To his right, he could see some figures coming towards him. This is too much like a horror b-movie! He thought, reaching for his hand gun. His senses were returning to him and he suddenly realised he did not know where his colleagues were. He looked around, almost clear headed by now, and reached for his radio.

"Sam, Teal'c where are you?"

"We've taken shelter in a house near the marketplace. Where are you?"

"I'm in the street. It's strange, I felt totally intoxicated to the point of falling over not long ago and now... I feel fine. There's something not quite right about this place, though."

Sam heard a gasp from behind her and saw the Goa'uld clutching his head, doubling over,then taking deep breaths. He shook his head, then straightened up. Teal'c had his staff aimed at their host.

"Teal'c, what are you..."

From behind a large deep red curtain covering an alcove, four serpent guards appeared. The same ones who were drunk in the street only hours before. Their young host was advancing towards Sam, his eyes glowing.

"During the day, we lose all track of time, of who we are. You will become like this in time. During the night, however, we regain sight of what we are. It is a great shame... the night is the only time we are coherent enough to return through the Stargate. As far as we know... no-one has ever made it to the gate alive..."

"Sam!! Sam!!" O'Neill called his colleague's name but to no avail. He looked around, then darted into the shadows. He looked to his left and then to his right. He had to find somewhere better to hang out. This would do for a time... He was really beginning to regret his excesses during the day... How did his team get into these scrapes? He caught sight of a group of figures in black, advancing in his direction. O'Neill remained totally still.

At that moment, O'Neill's radio crackled into life. The shadowy group heard it and advanced in his direction. O'Neill wasted no time in running for dear life across the street and into another perfect hiding place.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

"Daniel! Where the hell are you?"

"I'm in the marketplace. I was looking everywhere for you and couldn't find you."

There was something strange in Daniel's voice but then again he had had a hell of a shock that day. All the same, O'Neill made a mental note to be on his guard. "Anything to report?"

"Watch your step." Daniel said.

Tell me about it, thought O'Neill and made his way to the marketplace.

He reached the marketplace as soon as he could and found Daniel waiting for him. Daniel had a glazed statement on his face and looked drained and pale. Probably the hay fever, thought O'Neill, keeping his guard up all the same. He checked the area around him and turned to his colleague.

"OK, our best bet is to find Sam and Teal'c and get the hell out of here. I don't know what's going on and I don't like it. Much as I hate backing out of anything, I don't think we have a choice right now."

"I'm right behind you." Daniel said flatly.

They made their way along the street in the direction of the house O'Neill vaugely remembered Sam and Teal'c disappearing into.

At that moment, another band of shadowy figures came trooping down the street.

"Keep quiet and don't move." O'Neill whispered to his colleague. It was too late. Moments later, the shadowy figures had surrounded them. One of them looked at Daniel and nodded once. Daniel nodded back and joined them, looking blankly at O'Neill.

"Daniel - what the?!"

Daniel said nothing. One of the figures in black proffered him a black cloak, he slipped it on and joined the figures in black.

O'Neill stared at the sight before him.

"Oh shit..." he said.

Sam and Teal'c had their weapons trained on the Goa'uld. Without warning, Teal'c fired his staff, triggering the same response from the serpent guards. He leaped out of harm's way, taking Sam with him. He looked up to see that his aim had done its job. The curtain was blazing behind the guards, who were trying their best to escape from the blaze and were curing the fact that a large dining room table was blocking their exit. Sam grabbed the young Goa'uld and held her gun to his head.

"Your guys had better not get any ideas," she said.

Suddenly, Sam's radio crackled into life. Teal'c handled it.

"Go ahead," he said.

"Sam! Teal'c! Daniel's gone insane! He's joined some kind of cult... I'm in the forest -"

The radio went dead.

"Colonel O'Neill? Colonel O'Neill!" Teal'c could get no response.

"OK, what's the best route to the forest?" Sam demanded.

"Follow the main street... away from the Stargate..." the young Goa'uld gasped.

"Teal'c! Unbolt the door -we're getting out of here!"

Teal'c did so, keeping his eye firmly on the serpent guards, who seemed to have their hands full with the fire catching hold of the small dwelling. Throwing the young Goa'uld to the floor, Sam joined Teal'c as he rushed out of the door. They headed into the street and hoped that the Goa'uld had got his directions right.

Pretty soon, the road seemed to become more of a track leading into a particularly dense part of the forest. Trees obscured the small amount of moonlight there was, making tracking anything difficult. They quietly ventured forward and heard the sound of chants in the distance. A group of seven hooded figures in black were carrying what looked like a body, and were slowly laying it on the ground in a particularly lush grassy clearing. As Sam's eyes adjusted to the light, she realised exactly what was going on.

"It's Colonel O'Neill..." she whispered to Teal'c.

Teal'c had his eyes on the figures. They turned and headed towards the path Sam and Teal'c had just taken. Teal'c could just make out their faces.

"Daniel Jackson is with them." He observed.

"Fine. Let's get them both out of here and head for the Gate. I don't care what our little Goa'uld friend says - I don't want to stay in this place a moment longer than I have to."

"I agree." Teal'c said.

As the figures passed their hiding place, Teal'c made his move. The fact that Daniel Jackson was at the back was convenient. Silently, Teal'c grabbed him, put his hand across his mouth and dragged him into the bushes. Daniel struggled, elbowed, wriggled and fought, but could not match Teal'c strength.

Meanwhile, Sam had gone over to retrieve Colonel O'Neill, who was out for the count. She tried to rouse him but to no avail. This called for drastic measures. She took out her hip flask and poured water over his face. He awoke, coughing and wondering who was trying to drown him.

"How did I get here? What's going on?" he looked around, then sat up. "Where's Daniel? He-"

"We've got him but he isn't himself."

"Tell me about it. Little turncoat."

"Fine, you can kick him later. In the meantime can I suggest we head back to the gate? I have it on reliable source that this place really screws with your head if you stay too many days here... and as exciting as it is, I don't find the nightlife very appealing!"

"Let's go." Colonel O'Neill got to his feet. Teal'c emerged from their hiding place, still with a firm grip on Daniel Jackson.

"Hate to do this, Danny boy!" Colonel O'Neill took hold of Daniel, Teal'c let him go, and stepped back as O'Neill struck Daniel around the head with the butt of his hand gun. It was then that the figures in black chose to return to the clearing. The team stood facing them, each going for their weapons.

"We cannot allow you to leave," the leader said. "You were to be nourishment for the forest. If we do not provide for the forest, it does not provide for us!"

"I hate to disappoint you but we really have to get going..." O'Neill levelled his gun at the group in black... who all produced guns of their own. They started firing, with the SG-1 team retaliating. Daniel Jackson came to, saw the hail of gunfire and moved out of the way. He got to his feet and joined his colleagues.

As soon as the fight was over and done with, the team left as soon as they could.

"Everybody OK?" O'Neill asked, taking the lead.

"Er..."

"What?" O'Neill turned to his team and saw that Daniel was trying to dab blood off his face.

"I... think I'm going to run next time you hit me..." Daniel said, wincing in pain. "Or something like that..."

"Oh, Daniel..." O'Neill set about patching up Daniel's forehead wondering how it was that Daniel got into more trouble than anyone he knew. If anyone got injured, nine times out of ten it was Daniel. However, the guy had some much needed skills so O'Neill was sure he wouldn't be without him...

"Can't wait to get back home." Daniel said.

"You and us all." O'Neill replied. They resumed their trek to the main street. O'Neill turned to his team. "OK, Daniel are you alright to run?"

"I'll have to be." Daniel said.

"Any signs of movement, let them have it - they won't hesitate to do the same on us. There's no telling where these back roads lead... but there's a clear straight one right here..."

The team ran like crazy to the end of the street, feeling that it was longer than they had remembered it to be. They had neared the end of the road when they were the centre of attention. They turned to fend off the uninvited attention, then dashed into the forest to the gate. By now, the number of pursuers was growing. They cut through the vegetation leading to the Stargate, hoped they were going in the right direction, and hoped the vegetation would slow down the unwelcome company. To their relief, the Stargate loomed up ahead of them.

"Dial it, Daniel!!" O'Neill ordered.

Daniel raced towards the DHD, input the co-ordinates, and wished that the Gate didn't take so long to activate. His head was killing him and he just wanted to go home, grab some headache tablets and go to bed. Moments later, the kawoosh activated, making the figures in black stop dead with shock. The team capitalised on the moment, jumped though the Gate and headed back home.

O'Neill landed on the ramp first, closely followed by his team members.

"Seal the Iris!" the Colonel ordered, "We've got unwelcome company!!"

The team sat around the table in the briefing room, checked over and cleaned up. Daniel's head was bandaged, and he had a bruise on his cheek from where O'Neill had walloped him. The others looked fine. O'Neill commented on the fact that if anyone got banged up it was Daniel. Daniel reminded O'Neill that he was nearly plant food. General Hammond responded by telling them both to shut up and get on with the report.

"Daniel joined a cult." O'Neill said.

"Not intentionally." Daniel said. "Anyway, at least I was sober. And at least I didn't cause anyone GBH."

O'Neill chose to ignore the latter part of Daniel's statement. "I had to fit in... everyone else was drinking... I mean - when in Rome..." O'Neill said.

"We were not in Rome. We were on planet PX454" Teal'c said.

"And the nightlife is lethal" Sam said.

"Anything more to add?" General Hammond asked.

At that moment, Daniel had a sneezing fit, blew his nose and composed himself. "Yeah. Next mission, I'm taking an extra box of tissues!"

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