TITLE: The Scenic Route Home
AUTHOR: Sam Carton
EMAIL: Stardoor@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Drama, Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 1
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Put your brain on hold! Serious it aint.
SUMMARY: Jack's made a little foul up which leads to some interesting situations!
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis and here
DISCLAIMER: No, the characters aren't mine. I have never owned SG1 in any way shape or form and am certainly not likely to in the future! This piece of fiction was written strictly for fun and no profit was made from it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I've never posted ANY fan fiction on the internet in my life and hope that my first attempt will at least be bearable! Mainly as I hope to post some more in the future... you have been warned! :)

"OK, team, let's hit the road!" "And fast - this ground won't hold much longer!!"

Another tremor shook the Earth. Daniel Jackson made a desperate lunge to get to the Dial Home Device, lost his balance and smacked his head hard against the device itself. Moments later... they appeared in a much safer environment. Much safer, but it wasn't home. "Colonel, what address did you program into the DHD?"

"There are signs all over the place. I hate to say this, but it's highly likely they're still around.

"O'Neill sighed. This was just getting better and better.

"Teal'c... how's Daniel?"

"He has still not regained consciousness."

"Oh, great. Well, at least we're away from the earthquakes and thunderstorms."

She stepped away from the DHD. There was no way this lot was going home through the gate with the SG-1 team.

"Oh, great. Snakeheads."

O'Neill looked depressed. Sam Carter could understand that. After all, when one made a clanging cock up such as the one he had just performed, they had every right to look that way.

She didn't want to think about how he'd done it.

"Where the hell are you taking us?" O'Neill demanded.

"Our leader will be most pleased to see you." "Oh, really? Look, I dont mean to disappoint anyone, but we really have to get back... You see our friend here really isn't well. All this travelling"

"Shut up!" the Serpent Guard ordered, taking a swipe at O'Neill with his staff.

O'Neill whipped a hand gun out of his uniform before the serpent guard had a chance to react.

Then, all hell broke loose.

Teal'c had dispensed with several of them with laser blots from his staff, Sam had dived for the staff of the fallen Serpent Guard, and the rest were history in moments.

"That was too easy." O'Neill said.

"Teal'c, what's the matter?" The Jaffa had a look of concern on his face.

"In the fighting, I... dropped... Dr Jackson."

O'Neill wanted to scream.

There were some days that made it seem like nothing was going right. "OK, let's get back to the gate!"

Teal'c picked up Daniel once more and they headed for the gate at best speed, watching for any signs of adversity.

The thick vegetation was proving to be very useful in terms of staying hidden. They reached the clearing where the gate stood, then paused, their presence obscured by particularly thick bushes.

"What the -" O'Neill peered through the greenery, taking one look at the sight before them and wanted to kill everything that moved. The Goa'uld had gotten there first.

There were masses of them, obviously waiting for some kind of dignitary to come through the gate.

There was a kawoosh, then the puddle, and then the sight of Apophis greeted them.

O'Neill wanted to puke.

"I guess our best bet is to find a safe place to hide and wait until King Tut and the majority of his merry gang head out of here." O'Neill whispered to his comrades. "I'll second that." Sam Carter replied.

"There is no way we could get to the Stargate with that many guards." Teal'c said. "How's Daniel?"

"Out cold."

O'Neill looked down at the unconscious member of his team.

He looked peaceful, at the very least, but that was not going to help them much.

Even though Daniel was not strictly a military orientated guy, he was not a bad shot and had his uses.

O'Neill went to his side and tried to rouse him. He gave up after ten minutes. Still, it could have been worse. Given all the vegetation in the area, there was no doubt that it would have had Daniel sneezing like crazy.

"His head trauma must be pretty bad." Sam Carter said. "He should have woken up by now."

Teal'c said nothing. Obviously Daniel's little trip headfirst during battle had not helped matters.

At that moment, the attention of several of the guards seemed to centre on their particular area of bushes. They all sat silently, hoping the Serpent Guards would just overlook where they were. At the very least, they had the laser staffs at hand and poised. There was a rustling, the leaves parted... ..and a Serpent Guard got a face full of laser fire.

The team got to their feet, Teal'c hauling Daniel Jackson over his shoulder once more, and headed away from the area as fast as possible.

"Remind me again. How did we get into this mess?" Sam Carter mused.

"Look, I know what I did to the gate. I know I screwed up. But at the end of the day, there was a frigging earthquake going on! I was dialling for dear life... then... oh, never mind." O'Neill shut up and ran.

Laser fire rained down upon them, they ran for dear life and hoped like crazy their fitness levels exceeded that of the Serpent Guards.

A small cell with a dirt floor could not be regarded as paradise. The expected metal door and a small barred hatch did not help matters either.

O'Neill was in a foul mood. All that running, and they'd still ended up in the company of the snakeheads, in the serpents's lair of all places. Of all the locations on O'Neill's holiday wish list, this was definitely not on the list.

Teal'c seemed to be in deep meditation, contemplating the situation, and Sam Carter was wondering what would happen to them next. Apophis had demanded a private audience with Daniel Jackson, who had been carried off by the head guards, still out cold.

For some reason, Sam found that there were times when Daniel just seemed to attract trouble wherever he went.

Then again, it seemed like O'Neill was developing a knack for the same thing.

She dreaded to think what SG-3 would think when they went to retrieve the SG-1 team from their original location, only to find that the place was an environmental disaster area and that they had been on a wild goose chase.

Daniel was lying on his back, half dreaming. In his dreams, he was with Sha'uri. They were in each other's arms and it was a warm sunny day. They did not have a care in the world... Daniel smiled to himself and sighed.

He knew this was just a dream but wanted to hold onto the feeling for as long as he could...

At that moment, a harsh voice practically barking at him woke him up. He was jerked into reality, looked around and tried to get his bearings. His head hurt. He felt sick. And he was face to face with Apophis. He had been lying on the floor, but was now being hauled to his feet by two fierce looking Serpent Guards. He stood unsteadily, glared at his nemesis and cursed him for awakening him from such a pleasant dream.

Daniel stood unsteadily, looking Apophis up and down with sheer disgust. Of all the Goa'uld he had ever met, this one had to be the worst. Daniel winced as light reflected off his gold uniform, aggravating an already shocking headache.

That was another thing Daniel could add to the list he already had of reasons to hate this Goa'uld. "So, you have finally returned to the land of the living?"

"Looks that way, doesn't it?" Daniel snapped.

Apophis had an amused statement on his face. "However, enough of these minor considerations. There are other matters I wish to pursue." Apophis continued. "Your people have caused me great... inconvenience..."

"We've caused you great inconvenience?!" Daniel said.

"Indeed. We had hoped to rid ourselves of the existence of your people by now... but as you are here, you may as well assist us."

Apophis walked up to Daniel, and glared at him. "Assist you? The only place I would assist you is off a high cliff!" Daniel was not in the mood for Apophis, his stuck up attitude and his demands.

Daniel's head was pounding like crazy. He could barely see and he could feel the world blackening around the edges.

OK, Apophis would more than likely fry him for his outburst but as he was in this much pain anyway, he did not care.

He looked up at the Goa'uld, gave a half smile and passed out.

Apophis was caught by surprise when he ended up catching Daniel before he hit the floor.

He handed the SG-1 team member to his guards as though he was scared he would catch something.

"Take him away and revive him! Use my sarcophagus if you have to!! I want answers from him

A figure entered the doorway, and quietly shuffled through the threshold "Hello." Daniel said, lying still. His head was clearing but he still felt shaky.

"We feared for your life when we saw the invaders had placed you in their casket."

"Invaders? Casket? You must mean the Goa'uld's sarcophagus... but.. why would they...? What's going on...?"

Daniel sat up slowly and looked around.

He was in a bright, airy room with large windows looking out onto beautiful sunlit plains, bordered with lush green hillsides.

The person who had spoken, probably a high ranking inhabitant of this planet... wherever they were... was dressed in rich gold and red robes. He was in his forties, with long light coloured hair that fell around his shoulders and had an air of calm about him.

"The last thing I remember was trying to dial home... there were thunderstorms... earthquakes... we had to get back..." Daniel said, thinking out aloud.

"And then... Apophis... he was questioning me..."

At that moment, a figure appeared in the doorway. Daniel gasped, tried to get out of bed but realised he could not move that fast.

In the doorway stood a serpent guard... or at least, that was what Daniel thought he was.

Moments later, the individual in question had deactivated his helmet and stood smiling at Daniel.

"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to scare you like that." the man in the uniform smiled easily.

"It's thanks to my colleague here that we were able to rescue you from the grasp of the Goa'uld.

From what our intelligence reports tell us they had some very vicious plans in store for you." "My - my colleagues -" Daniel gasped struggling to sit himself up.

"If Apophis had ideas for me, then what the hell has he got in mind for them?!"

"That Goa'uld is a vengeful individual... definitely not very pleasant. I truly dread to think of his intentions. However, you are from beyond the Great Ring. I am sure there is much knowledge you can provide us with... knowledge that will help us defeat the Goa'uld.

" Great. Another race who wants me for my brain. Daniel thought. He hauled himself out of the bed and was sitting on the edge, contemplating standing.

"My friends... I have to get them out of there!"

"We have our methods." The townsman said, nodding his head thoughtfully.

"Great. Let's get started on a plan of action right -" Daniel attempted to stand as he spoke, but found his legs giving way, sending him sprawling on the floor. "Uuurgh..." he moaned.

The townsman was shaking his head sadly.

The man in the serpent guard uniform walked over, picked Daniel up and placed him on the bed.

"We will render your colleagues assistance... but it may be better if we wait until we not only have a plan... but until you can stand up. We will need your guidance." Daniel gave a half smile and lay back on the bed.

This was just great. His guys needed him the most - and he couldn't even stand up. O'Neill would have said that it was just typical.

O'Neill had other thoughts on his mind at that moment in time. He could feel eyes on him as he sat, minding his own business in the cell. There were times when there was not much else you could do but wait. It was all very well to try and break out of places like these, but with the long corridors, and the fact that the place was so heavily guarded, an escape attempt would be suicide. However, he was sure an opportunity for escape would present itself... O'Neill was thinking through tactical options but was still distracted. Those eyes still felt like they were boring into him. The feeling was starting to give him the creeps.

"That Snakehead... the one standing by the door..."

"Yes?"

"He keeps looking at me funny."

"Looking at you funny?" Sam Carter repeated.

"What do you mean?"

"There he goes again.... He keeps staring." O'Neill shuffled further towards the corner of the room.

"It's like he worships me or something."

"Don't flatter yourself." Sam Carter replied, then took a look herself.

"My god, you're right..."

"It would seem that you are distracting him from his duty. It would be wise to take advantage of the situation." Teal'c stated.

The guard was looking O'Neill's way once more.

Sure enough, he had a strange statement on his face, one of understated amazement, as if he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.

"So... what am I supposed to say?"

"You could go over and find out what is on his mind." O'Neill buried his face in his hands.

"OK! I am sorry I dialled in the wrong address! I am sorry we are in this situation!"

He took a deep breath and regained his composure.

"However, much as I hate to admit it, I think you may just have a point there, Teal'c. "

The Serpent Guard gave him that look once more.

Feeling very uncomfortable with the situation, O'Neill smiled at him broadly.

There was a look of surprise from the Serpent Guard in question. He smiled back. "You are the one known as O'Neill?"

"Yes, that's right..." O'Neill stepped towards the door.

"You are also the one who defeated Ra?"

"Uh... yeah, I had that honour." Moments later, O'Neill was sent reeling backwards as the Serpent Guard smacked him hard in the face.

He staggered back to the wall, slid down it and sat there tending to his nose. It wasn't badly hurt but the pain was vile.

"I have always wanted to do that to the person who defeated Ra." The Serpent Guard was now grinning with amusement to himself and turned back to his duty.

"You could say that it was still worth a try." Teal'c said.

"Huh." O'Neill shrugged. "Any more bright ideas?"

The three of them were silent.

It all seemed like a matter of waiting for their opportunity.

That and wondering what had happened to Daniel Jackson.

Daniel Jackson was, at that moment, sitting at a lavish table sampling various culinary delights indigenous to the planet he and his team had chanced upon.

It was great.

Their wine was fantastic, too. Pretty soon, Daniel found himself discussing plans to rescue his team, telling the natives about other worlds and berating the Goa'uld like crazy.

Within hours a suitable action plan had been drawn up, and according to local custom, they had to drink a whole glass of wine to celebrate their good work.

Daniel could feel the wine going straight to his head, but he did not want to disappoint the locals, especially as they were going to so much trouble to rescue his team mates.

So, down the hatch the wine went.

Daniel was not sure how much wine he and his drinking buddies had consumed but was prepared to admit that it had been a lot. All the same, he was glad to get to bed, to have a wonderful night's sleep and to wake up.... ... hung over.

"I feel awful... the room won't stop spinning... and I can't stand up straight..." Daniel said to himself.

It was now much later on in the day and he was assembled with a group of villagers, all ready for combat, in the main courtyard of the village itself.

As the area was surrounded by houses, he could see people peering out of windows taking a look at what was going on.

How do I get into these situations? Daniel wondered to himself. He was standing at the head of a procession of about twenty of the village's best men.

They were all decked out in Serpent Guard uniform, misappropriated over a period of time by the villagers from the Goa'uld. He did not know how they had managed it, but had to admire them. The plan to infiltrate the Goa'uld base may not have been original but it was their best bet.

Daniel found it strange, standing there in the armour, complete with staff.

The villagers clearly wanted to decimate the Goa'uld base to ensure they could have quiet lives... if only for long enough to move to a location the Goa'uld would have difficulty finding them in. The fact that this plan was to help both the village and Daniel's team mates was a bonus.

Daniel had to admit he did not like the idea of marching into the serpent's lair, and if they were caught they would probably not return alive. However, the team's lives were at stake here. Daniel ignored his hangover and went over the final details of the rescue operation.

Moments later, Daniel and his new found troops were marching towards the Goa'uld camp. As uncomfortable as it looked, the armour really wasn't that difficult to wear. Daniel began wishing he had had the benefit of O'Neill's military training. However, he was pretty sure he could bluff his way through the whole thing. The headgear felt strange and he sincerely hoped that none of his party would be asked to show their faces.

They reached the grounds and were stopped by the sentries.

"We were not expecting any more troops. What are your orders?"

"We are to instruct these new recruits and to further their training."

Daniel stated, trying to make his voice sound deeper.

"Advance." The sentry advised them. Daniel was secretly pleased.

They marched forward and commenced their mission.

"I'd like to know what Apophis has in store for us . " O'Neill said. " And I'd love to know what's happened to Daniel. I mean, I'd expect them to keep us all together, in which case surely they would have bought Daniel here by now."

"You'd think that. Then again, who can tell what goes through the minds of the Goa'uld?"

"I could tell you what goes through the mind of a Goa'uld." Teal'c stated.

"That's OK. It was a rhetorical question."

There were voices in the corridor. The team assumed the guard was being changed, but instead, the door opened and they were escorted along the corridor in silence. A million thoughts were going through their heads, of escape, of what was in store for them and of what was in store for their world.

"Colonel O'Neill." O'Neill raised his eyebrows. He was sure he knew that voice.

"Daniel?"

"Not so loud. We're getting you out of here. Now, for your lives' sake, play along or we're all dead."

Very inspiring, O'Neill thought. Then he wondered just what Daniel had been up to.

They reached a main corridor and marched towards a doorway. Daniel could see suspicion mounting around him from Apophis's guards, but who would question their own men?

At that moment, Daniel wanted to freeze where he was.

As they entered the courtyard, they could see none other than Apophis himself.

Not again, thought O'Neill. Is this guy haunting us or what?

"Stop! Where are you taking the prisoners?" Apophis demanded, as Daniel and his party marched through the courtyard and towards the outer perimeters of the camp.

They continued marching, hoping to get as far as they could. It was clear that Apophis wondered just what was going on. "Guard! I asked you a question! Now answer me!"

"Sure!" Daniel smiled under his helmet, levelled his staff at Apophis and blasted him with several laser bolts.

The Goa'uld lay on the ground barely alive, and barely in shape to bark out some orders.

His personal attendants rushed to his side and carried him indoors, probably straight to his sarcophagus. Daniel wished he'd taken a detour and blasted it while they were escaping. Another time, he hoped.

"Let's get out of here!" Daniel yelled. Secretly he was thinking of how he had always wanted to give Apophis a taste of his own medicine.

At that moment, much to Daniel's dismay, a troop of Apophis's guards came running out into the courtyard, armed and ready to defend their base.

Daniel's men set about annihilating them the minute they emerged from the doorway, while another little group concentrated on dispatching others located around the courtyard and coming in their general direction. The air was littered with laser bolts, screams and shouts emanated from all around them, while the SG-1 team tried to make good their escape.

"Daniel, why did you have to shoot him like that? He's going to skin us alive the next time he sees us!" O'Neill shouted as he made a dash for the exit.

Several of Daniel's comrades were disarming the sentries, while the rest were taking care of the other guards in the base. It was getting hard to tell who was who, as well as more dangerous by the minute as laser staffs were fired, hand to hand combat ensued and the commotion seemed to increase.

"It made a good distraction, didn't it?" Daniel replied, blasting Serpent Guards from all sides as he ran, although by that time it was hard to tell just who was who. They had been fortunate as their uniforms were slightly different to those of the guards in Apophis's service.

However, in the heat of battle, Daniel could imagine people shooting their own comrades in droves.

"We must leave now." Daniel's second in command said, "I believe that this confusion is just the diversion you need. You will be able to pass through the Great Ring before they know what is happening."

"But what about your people?" Daniel asked. " You have given us the knowledge we desired. Consider this repayment... and a chance for my people to gain revenge. "

As they passed through the exit he added, "We have our own methods of dealing with the Goa'uld."

Daniel's second in command gathered a few of his allies to cover the SG-1 team as they darted through the archway that led to freedom. Their first instinct was to stay and help, but time was of the essence. They did not know how long they had to get to the gate and just knew it had to be fast.

They ran full tilt to the Stargate, aimed their weapons and descended upon the sentries before they knew what was happening. Daniel ran towards the DHD, started dialling and willed the damn thing to hurry up as it carried out its sequence. Several more Serpent Guards appeared from the bushes and entered the clearing.

"Will you guys just leave us the hell alone?!" O'Neill grabbed a laser staff from one of the fallen guards, aimed it and their would-be assailants were history in seconds. Daniel had finished dialling, they stood to the side of the gate, watched the kawoosh take place and as soon as the puddle appeared, jumped straight through it. There was the familiar displacement, the feeling of rushing through countless galaxies in seconds - then the reality of their world hit them dead in the face, they were flying through the air...

They hit the ramp, with Daniel hearing a resounding clang as he made a hard landing. The Serpent Guard uniforms were obviously not designed with impacts like this in mind.

The team got to their feet, marched down the ramp and all breathed a sigh of relief. Daniel was leaning on his staff, still feeling a rush of adrenaline from their battle, and had a thoughtful, but triumphant look on his face.

General Hammond had an amused statement when he saw the state Daniel was in.

"Daniel, I'm starting to wonder about you. This is the second time I've seen you in Serpent Guard gear . " Hammond said as he approached the team.

"Oh... it's a long story... I'll tell you at the debriefing session."

"And SG-3 have been looking everywhere for you... Just where were you?"

"That's also a long story." Jackson said, sneaking a look to O'Neill, who had the appearance of a man who wanted to die there and then.

O'Neill looked at the floor, embarrassed, while Sam Carter just laughed.

"Looks like debriefing's going to be very interesting..." Hammond remarked.

The End