Time
Space, Cult TV
and the Adelphi
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TITLE:
Time Space, Cult TV and the Adelphi
AUTHOR: Sam Carton
EMAIL: Stardoor@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Humor, Crossover
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: Do you really want to know????
STATUS: Complete
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ARCHIVE:
here!
DISCLAIMER: The characters aren't mine, Stargate SG1 isn t mine, and
no profit was made from this piece of fiction. This piece of fiction was
written strictly for fun and no profit was made from it. No copyright
infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story
are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere
without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S
NOTES: At the end of October 2001, I went to an event called Cult TV that
runs several competitions every year. There is an art competition, a film
makers competition, Famous for Three Minutes (which was graced with the
presence of Patty
and Selma (AKA Corinne and myself) - and a fiction competition as well…
which is where this script comes in.
The challenge was to write
a radio script featuring characters from cult TV shows you wouldn't normally
see together - which is why this script features Colonel O'Neill, Dr Who,
Marvin the Paranoid Android, Angel, Kathryn Janeway and a couple of ladies
who might just be Colonel O'Neill's worst nightmare…
Please switch your brain to the off position before attempting to read
this script, be prepared for anything and above all, ENJOY!!
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MAIN CHARACTERS:
- DOCTOR WHO (SYLVESTER MCCOY)
- COLONEL O'NEILL (STARGATE SG1)
- CAPTAIN KATHRYN JANEWAY (VOYAGER)
- NARRATOR
SUPPORTING CHARACTERS:
- ANGEL
- PATTY BOUVIER (THE SIMPSONS)
- SELMA BOUVIER (THE SIMPSONS)
- MARVIN THE PARANOID ANDROID (HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY)
- ACE (DOCTOR WHO)
- AND A NON DESCRIPT HEAD BARMAN CALLED BILL.
ACT ONE
NARRATOR
It's about 4 pm on a Saturday afternoon. The time when normal folk are usually
hard at work doing the crossword in the papers, watching the sport on TV or
contemplating going down the pub. All of these can be considered reasonable
pastimes and far less dangerous than that of one galactic being who goes by
the name of Who… Doctor Who a being who is, at this time, encountering
some technical hitches with the TARDIS
DR WHO
That's the last time I make any major adjustments on the Tardis without looking
at the manual first! One slip of the sonic screwdriver and it's like the galaxy
suddenly turned itself upside down, gave itself a shake and went back to its
usual business of hosting a normal Sunday afternoon…
(A PAUSE AS THE DOCTOR MAKES SOME ADJUSTMENTS ON THE CONSOLE)
OK, we should be back to normal and… oh dear. That can't be right. (SHOUTS)
Ace! Can you come here a minute?
(THERE IS THE SOUND OF ANOTHER CHARACTER ENTERING THE ROOM.
THE DOCTOR TURNS AND GASPS IN SURPRISE)
DOCTOR WHO
You're not Ace!! You're not even female!! The interspatial malfunction in the
console's time and space circuits must be more serious than I suspected!
COLONEL O'NEILL
(SARCASTICALLY)
OK, you got me - I'm not female - I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill of the United States
Air Force and I'm not even dressed, either! (SHOUTS)
What's the big idea of teleporting me right when I'm in the middle of a shower
for crying out loud?!
DOCTOR WHO
(BABBLING ABSENT MINDEDLY)
Teleporting you from the middle of a shower… well at least I haven't managed
to transform Ace into a grey haired American - I'd never hear the end of it!
COLONEL O'NEILL
(IRATE)
Who the hell is Ace? And who the hell are you?
DOCTOR WHO
Who is quite right…
COLONEL O'NEILL
(SNAPS)
I'm not in the mood for a philosophical debate!
DOCTOR WHO
If you will allow me to get a word in, my name is Who. Doctor Who.
COLONEL O'NEILL
(TO ONE SIDE)
Oh great… a scientist. Why am I plagued with scientists wherever I go?
DOCTOR WHO
I am not merely a scientist as you so graciously put it, I am a Time Lord, from
the planet Galifrey.
COLONEL O'NEILL
A Time Lord?!
(A PAUSE)
No relation to the System Lords?
DOCTOR WHO
That tiresome gaggle of overdressed, power crazed individuals? I should
hope not!
COLONEL O'NEILL
That's funny… I should hope not, too…
DOCTOR WHO
Now come along, dear boy - I believe I have something that might just
fit you perfectly…
(THERE IS THE SOUND OF BOTH CHARACTERS LEAVING THE ROOM)
*********************************
ACT TWO
NARRATOR
A matter of hours passes before the pair of our characters reconvene
in the Tardis's control room. The Doctor looks a little put out and Colonel
O'Neill looks embarrassed.
COLONEL O'NEILL
I just don't think this outfit works… I mean, the long coat is
all wrong for a start. And the scarf… It's way too long! I'll break my
freaking neck! And what's the deal with these trousers…? And these shoes?
DOCTOR WHO
(OFFENDED)
I'll thank you to mind your manners… My previous re-generation had no problem
with wearing that outfit and I happen to think it looks most fetching. Of course
you could always go around naked…?
COLONEL O'NEILL
Maybe I'll just quit whinging and thank heaven for small mercies. How
about you tell me where the hell we are?
DOCTOR WHO
From what the instruments tell me, we are somewhere near Earth.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Well, that's a start. How about you just zap me back to where I come
from?
DOCTOR WHO
It's not going to be that easy, I'm afraid. Before I do anything else,
I have to correct the consequences caused by the anomaly generated by the adjustments
I was trying to make to the console…
COLONEL O'NEILL
Can I have that in English?
DOCTOR WHO
I seem to have inadvertently caused a disruption in the time and space continuum.
For example, you're here on my TARDIS - that must mean that Ace switched places
with you…
COLONEL O'NEILL
If that's the case, I'd better make a phone call. The guys on my base
are probably wondering what the hell she's doing in the male showers. In fact
- how about you drop me back there right now and -
DOCTOR WHO
There will be time enough for that later - first, we have to pay a visit
to somewhere in England called Liverpool… and to a hotel that seems to
have borne the brunt of this whole catastrophe…
COLONEL O'NEILL
And how might that be…?
DOCTOR WHO
There will be a few people at the hotel who just shouldn't be there.
My theory is that they will have switched places with individuals all over the
galaxy and in a myriad of dimensions. If we can get them back into the control
room, I should be able to put everything right with the flick of a switch.
COLONEL O'NEILL
(SARCASTICALLY)
Should? Now I'm inspired!
*******************************
ACT THREE
(SOUND OF A DISCO IN FULL SWING)
NARRATOR
The next part of our story takes place in a crowded hotel bar, where
a disco is starting to get into swing. As you would expect at such a place,
there is a large congregation around the bar as people wait to be served, and
the punters are certainly being vocal in their demand for drinks. However, there
seems to be a bit of a drama going on behind the bar itself. The unsuspecting
head barman, Bill, has just laid eyes on a new face behind the bar…
BARMAN
Hello love, haven't seen you around before… is it your first night?
You picked a hell of a night to start…
KATHRYN JANEWAY
I am captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager! (SARCASTICALLY)
Do I look like a bartender?
BARMAN
Dunno love… tie this apron on, will you?
NARRATOR
Taken aback, Janeway complies. She puts on the apron in question looking
more than a little confused.
BARMAN
That's better love. Now let's get stuck in serving pints - the crowd's
starting to turn ugly!
KATHRYN JANEWAY
They are, are they?
(SHOUTS IN A COMMANDING VOICE TO THE CROWD)
I want you all to calm down at once! You will all get served in due course!!
(THE CROWD AT THE BAR QUIETEN DOWN AT ONCE)
BARMAN
Wow… how did you manage that, love?
KATHRYN JANEWAY
Years of experience dealing with alien diplomats. (PAUSES) This is one
of the most convincing holodeck programs I've tried so far. You never know what
you'll get when you select one at random…
NARRATOR
At the back of the room, a pair of figures watch the action at the bar.
Colonel O'Neill is looking admiringly at Janeway while Doctor Who looks around
the room suspiciously.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Stop the press, who is that?
DOCTOR WHO
The first of our subject to be returned to their rightful place in space
and time.
COLONEL O'NEILL
That's great. Can I buy a drink before we attempt to track down the
rest?
DOCTOR WHO
Certainly not - we have an important duty on our hands and don't have
time to spare. Now come along - we have to search this room.
COLONEL O'NEILL
And I can start off by the bar…
DOCTOR WHO
And waste valuable time chatting up the bar staff! Really, Colonel,
I thought Air Force personnel were meant to be disciplined!
COLONEL O'NEILL
(DEFENSIVELY)
We are! (ADDS QUIETLY)
Most of the time…
DOCTOR WHO
I find it odd that there is one corner of the room being avoided by the majority
of people… That may be where we need to look next!
COLONEL O'NEILL
Then can we head to the bar? I'm dying of thirst here, and maybe I won't
feel so embarrassed wearing these clothes if I'm drunk…
DOCTOR WHO
Will you keep your mind on the job in hand? It's of galactic importance!
COLONEL O'NEILL
You got me there.
(SIGHS)
Let's go check the strangely deserted corner of the room…
NARRATOR
The pair of them cross the room to the area in question and encounter
a strange sight.
COLONEL O'NEILL
So help me, that is the nastiest coat stand I have ever seen in my life.
NARRATOR
The coat stand in question is roughly humanoid in shape, of definite
robot appearance and looks miserable as sin.
MARVIN
You don't have to spare my feelings you know. I have a brain the size
of a planet and was standing there, minding my own business when a flash of
light transports me here. Here, a place full of people, and happiness, and laughter…
COLONEL O'NEILL
I don't believe it! That coat stand just talked!!
MARVIN
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Of course, you don't think to recognise my obvious intelligence, you just put
me down as being a talking coat stand. Oh well, at least I have a purpose here.
DOCTOR WHO
Yes, indeed. And where were you before the blinding flash of light transported
you here?
MARVIN
I was in the car park of Milliways.
DOCTOR WHO
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe? And what were you doing there?
MARVIN
Parking cars of course. Or more specifically space ships. Lots of them.
Me, with a brain the size of a planet and I get left to take charge of menial
jobs like that.
DOCTOR WHO
Well, whoever he's switched places with in the galaxy is probably parking
cars right now… As for us, my dear Colonel, it's time we moved on.
COLONEL O'NEILL
(WITH A HINT OF SARCASM)
Yes, our important search must resume…
DOCTOR WHO
Never mind the search - if I spend a minute longer around that android,
I'm going to end up just as miserable as he is!!
COLONEL O'NEILL
We could always head for the bar…
DOCTOR WHO
Never mind the bar! There seems to be a commotion on the dancefloor!
NARRATOR
In the centre of the dancefloor, a tall male with dark spiky hair wearing
a red shirt and black trousers is dancing like a maniac - and that is not a
good thing. His name is Angel and he is proving that some people - or vampires
- should not be unleashed upon the partying public. Needing a change of scenery
he hopped over to the UK courtesy of taking a nightflight and hiding in the
plane's toilet at the slightest hint of sunshine. Being a vampire sure can put
a dampener on your travel plans. But I digress - let's find out more about the
action and drama happening on the dancefloor…
COLONEL O'NEILL
Cool moves!
DOCTOR WHO
I hope you're joking. I've seen Daleks dance better than that.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Daleks?
DOCTOR WHO
Long story… just pray you never meet them.
NARRATOR
The song finishes and the man in black and red walks mournfully off
the dancefloor.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Hey buddy - I'm serious - that was some great dancing!
ANGEL
(DEPRESSED)
Tell the truth, it was lousy.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Hey! (SINCERELY) I'm telling the truth!
ANGEL
I don't suppose either of you have seen my friend around here? He's
about my height, fairly skinny, dark hair, glasses, English accent, has a tendancy
to bump into things…
DOCTOR WHO
No… but if we come across him, we'll let you know.
NARRATOR
Doctor Who pulls Colonel O'Neill to one side for a little chat.
DOCTOR WHO
I think it's a safe bet to say that we know whose switched
places with Marvin and is presently parking cars at Milliways… although
from the sound of it, they are going to be very glad to have Marvin back, even
if he is a walking dose of depression.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Sounds to me like we don't have a moment to lose! Where to next?
*********************************
ACT FOUR
NARRATOR
From somewhere in a secluded corner of the hall, O'Neill is unaware
that he is being watched… very closely. His audience have blue hair, yellow
skin and are related to a family named Simpson…
PATTY
It can't be! It just can't be!!
SELMA
It is… well, almost.
PATTY
Almost will do - let's get him, Selma!
SELMA
Lead the way, Patty!
NARRATOR
The pair of… er… women, both with blue hair, an interesting
taste in clothes and bizarre yellow skin go pounding over to the unsuspecting
form of Colonel O'Neill. He is too busy looking at Janeway in an admiring manner
to realise what is going on before he is grabbed and dragged backwards in the
general direction of the exit leading to the hotel accommodation…
O'NEILL
(SCREAMING FRANTICALLY)
AAAARGH! Who the hell are you? What the hell are you? Let me go!! Doctor! Marvin!!
Anybody!!
NARRATOR
Doctor Who dives to the rescue, attacking Patty and Selma Bouvier with
his umbrella, but to no avail. Marvin just stands there and Angel would have
come to O'Neill's rescue but for the fact that Patty and Selma had visited a
Pizza Hut just before their abduction of the colonel and had definitely gone
crazy with the garlic bread. Sometimes being a vampire can be a pain in the
neck (pardon the pun). But onto business. O'Neill is currently being hauled
up a staircase…
O'NEILL
Where the hell are you taking me?!
PATTY
To our bedroom, sweet cakes!
O'NEILL
Nooooo!!
SELMA
Oh, stop struggling… we're not going to hurt you… intentionally.
NARRATOR
We return to the bar for the next part of our sorry tale, where Doctor
Who is looking around desperately for help in any shape or form... and salvation
could just lurk behind the bar…
DOCTOR WHO
Excuse me, Madam.
JANEWAY
What can I get for you?
DOCTOR WHO
I'd like you actually…
JANEWAY
Come back when you think of an original chat up line.
DOCTOR WHO
(FLUSTERED)
Oh… I didn't mean it like that!
JANEWAY
(DANGEROUSLY)
Oh really… and just how did you mean it?
DOCTOR WHO
My acquaintance has just been abducted by a pair of strange looking
women with blue skin and bad dress sense - heaven only knows what they are doing
to him right now - and given the way you handled the crowd at the bar, you may
just be the only person who can help me save him from their foul, dastardly
schemes!
JANEWAY
(HUMOURING THE DOCTOR)
Oh really. And just where were they heading?
DOCTOR WHO
I believe they were heading up to the bedrooms…
JANEWAY
OK. Level with me here because I just don't quite believe my ears. You
want me to go up and rescue your colleague from the clutches of a pair of women
who have dragged him up to their bedroom. (LAUGHS HALF HEARTEDLY) Oh, of course.
What else would it be? (PAUSES AND ADDS SERIOUSLY) Computer, this man is giving
me a headache - erase character!
NARRATOR
There is a pause and for some reason… nothing happens.
JANEWAY
Computer, what part of erase character do you not understand? Erase
character!
NARRATOR
Several minutes pass as Janeway finds herself staring at the Doctor.
JANEWAY
OK… computer… end program!
NARRATOR
Again there is a pause, and everything stays the same.
BARMAN
Are you feeling alright, love?
JANEWAY
(DESPERATELY)
Please tell me we're in holodeck one, and suffering the usual malfunctions that
seem to plague the Voyager whenever any member of her crew step into one of
the things. Failing that, please stop calling me love.
BARMAN
Voyager? Holodeck? No, love. We're in the Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool,
where there's an event called Cult TV going on. Yearly thing it is, celebrating
well loved TV shows and things like that, complete with themed discos.
DOCTOR WHO
(TO HIMSELF)
That would explain why nobody batted an eyelid when Colonel O'Neill was dragged
off kicking and screaming… or why no-one cringed with embarrassment when
they saw the man in the red shirt dancing like a maniac… and why Marvin
is simply making people give him a wide berth rather than sending them off screaming
and running in the opposite direction…
(TO JANEWAY)
Madam, I can get you back to your ship, but first I need your help!
JANEWAY
I may as well. What's the worst that could happen?
BARMAN
You could get stuck in a lift with the miserable metal git over there.
JANEWAY
Good point - I'll take my chances with you, whoever you are.
DOCTOR WHO
Who is right - Doctor Who!
JANEWAY
Whatever. Lead the way and for heaven's sake avoid the lifts - just
in case!
*********************************
ACT FIVE
NARRATOR
We find the colonel in a spot of bother to say the least. He is sitting
on one of two large double beds in a perfectly decent hotel room. Well, it would
be decent, but for the presence of Patty and Selma Bouvier, who have the hapless
colonel bound hand and foot with their tights, while they sit either side of
him cooing into his ears and whispering sweet nothings. In case you need to
picture the expression on the colonel's face, think desperation, worry and despair
all in one angst ridden package.
COLONEL O'NEILL
Why do the Asguard never beam you up when you want them to?!
PATTY
The Asguard? What are they? Some kind of rock group?
SELMA
Naah… they sound more like insurance salesmen
COLONEL O'NEILL
Please… let me go - I'll do anything!
PATTY AND SELMA
(SUGGESTIVELY)
Anything…?
COLONEL O'NEILL
Not what you're thinking!
PATTY
You need to calm down, sweetie…
SELMA
Yeah… you've got nothing to be scared of. We just wanted to take
you up here and lavish you with our sweetest affection and attention…
PATTY AND SELMA
(BOTH LAUGH)
COLONEL O'NEILL
That's what I'm afraid of!!
*********************************
ACT SIX
NARRATOR
We find Doctor Who and Kathryn Janeway searching the corridors of the
hotel, in an attempt to find Colonel O'Neill before the Bouvier sisters have
their wicked way with him - an experience the Colonel may not survive, despite
his military training.
JANEWAY
So… how the hell do we track him down? They could have taken him
anywhere!
(THERE IS THE SOUND OF SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE)
DOCTOR WHO
Follow the screams!
JANEWAY
It sounds like it's coming from this direction
DOCTOR WHO
But it can't be… there's a label taped to this door… marked
Karaoke…
NARRATOR
The pair of them peer hesitantly into the room and find Angel standing
there holding a microphone looking at them in curiosity.
DOCTOR WHO
I'm sorry… it sounded like there was someone in terrible pain in
here!
ANGEL
(HURT) That's what everyone says about my singing!
JANEWAY
(WITH A HINT OF SARCASM) I wonder why…
DOCTOR WHO
We'll leave him to his stab at entertainment - I have a feeling the
Colonel would be very glad to see us any time soon…
JANEWAY
I just dread to think what they're doing to him!
NARRATOR
Back in Patty and Selma's bedroom…
PATTY
You look so much like our hero, MacGyver, it's uncanny!
COLONEL O'NEILL
MacGyver… that name rings a bell…
SELMA
The only real difference is… you're a bit on the old side…
and your hair is way to short…
PATTY
And grey!
COLONEL O'NEILL
Hey!!
SELMA
But that's easily fixed…
COLONEL O'NEILL
Easily fixed… how…?
PATTY
With a wig…
SELMA
And a tube of glue!
COLONEL O'NEILL
(IN HORROR) You're not gluing that thing to my head! It looks like a
dead rug!
PATTY
It does not! It looks just the way MacGyver's
hair looks!
COLONEL O'NEILL
No matter how horrified I am in this situation, I can't help thinking
that the name MacGyver somehow rings a bell…
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Captain Janeway and Doctor who are still running down hotel
corridors.
JANEWAY
Where the hell is he?
DOCTOR WHO
I only hope he's still alive! Who can tell what those two are doing
to him?
NARRATOR
And in the hotel room… Colonel O'Neill has just remembered something…
COLONEL O'NEILL
Wait a minute! Now I know where I know the name MacGyver from! It was
a TV show and I absolutely hated it! Drove me nuts! Every time I heard the theme
tune I'd leave the room - and the worst thing is, I used to get told I looked
like the guy all the time! That's such a horrible memory I must have blanked
it out of my mind…(PAUSES) Er… ladies… if I can call you that…
why are you looking daggers at me?
PATTY
You badmouthed MacGyver!!!
SELMA
No matter how much you look like our sweetie - you're going to pay for
that!!
COLONEL O'NEILL
AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
*****************************
ACT SEVEN
NARRATOR
Just when it looks like Colonel O'Neill is history courtesy of Patty
and Selma, the door flies open courtesy of a hefty kick from Captain Janeway.
JANEWAY
(IN A COMMANDING VOICE) Unhand him at once or face the consequences!
PATTY
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, look, it's the all new Avengers!
JANEWAY
Who?
DOCTOR WHO
That's me!
JANEWAY
Never mind - help me untie the Colonel and get the hell out of here!
These two look like they could turn nasty!!
NARRATOR
Untie the colonel is exactly what our intrepid pair of rescuers do -
they release him from his bonds and run like mad down the corridor with Patty
and Selma in hot pursuit.
PATTY
Come back here! He badmouthed MacGyver!
SELMA
We want our revenge!!
KATHRYN JANEWAY
If we can just lose these two -
DOCTOR WHO
You don't understand - this is an opportunity for me to put the next
part of my plan into action - I have to get all the displaced characters into
the control room before I can send them back to where they came from!
KATHRYN JANEWAY
If they're in the same room as Colonel O'Neill, they'll kill him!
COLONEL O'NEILL
You don't have to remind me!
DOCTOR WHO
And then we have to get Marvin in there, somehow!
KATHRYN JANEWAY
Oh, great - that robot makes the Borg look like the ideal party guests!
COLONEL O'NEILL
How much further? I'm getting out of breath!
DOCTOR WHO
You're not the only one… we're nearly there - just down these stairs…
O'NEILL
(NOW GETTING OUT OF BREATH)
There it is - the Tardis! And not a moment too soon!!
KATHRYN JANEWAY
(ALSO OUT OF BREATH)
All I see is a telephone box in the corner of the room!
DOCTOR WHO
That's where we're heading to!
KATHRYN JANEWAY
What?
COLONEL O'NEILL
Trust him, it'll make sense soon enough!
NARRATOR
They bolt in through the door, and find themselves in the control room,
closely followed by Patty and Selma who are too intent on exacting their revenge
on Colonel O'Neill to realise where they are. Colonel O'Neill heads for the
door that leads deeper into the time and space vehicle - only to be stopped
by the Doctor.
DOCTOR WHO
Stop right there! For this to work, you have to remain in the same room
as the console!
COLONEL O'NEILL
Why? If I stay in here, they'll kill me!
DOCTOR WHO
Don't ask me why - it just works that way to add some more drama!!
COLONEL O'NEILL
Oh, great! Looks like there's nothing else for it but for me to barricade
myself behind this rather ugly coat stand in the corner…
MARVIN
(DEPRESSED)
That's right… put me down as soon as you lay eyes on me… I do have
feelings you know… Not that you care…
DOCTOR WHO, KATHRYN JANEWAY AND COLONEL
O'NEILL
(SHOUT)
Marvin!!!
DOCTOR WHO
That solves the problem of getting him in here at least! Now when I
throw this switch, everyone should be back where they started.
NARRATOR
We now find a strange group of beings in the control room. Colonel O'Neill
is hiding behind Marvin and praying like crazy, while Patty and Selma glare
at him in a way you would associate with death threats at the very least. Janeway
is wondering what has become of her ship, and the Doctor is getting ready to
throw the switch.
DOCTOR WHO
Colonel O'Neill, Kathryn Janeway, it's been a pleasure meeting you.
MARVIN
(DEPRESSED)
Don't feel you have to mention me by any means.
DOCTOR WHO
Don't worry - I won't!
(PAUSES)
Now let's see whether I got the repairs on this thing right…
(THERE IS A LOUD BANG AND THEN SILENCE)
*********************************
ACT EIGHT
NARRATOR
The doctor looks around the room in disbelief. He is standing in the
control room with Ace, who is looking bewildered but relieved.
DOCTOR WHO
Well I never, it worked!
ACE
Doctor, what the hell happened? One minute I'm here with you and the
next I'm in some place called Cheyenne mountain! Have you been messing around
with the console again?!
DOCTOR WHO
Let me just put my head around the door - there's something I have to
check… (A PAUSE)
DOCTOR WHO
Yes, everything is as it should be. There are now two barmen serving
drinks to the thirsty rabble, Angel now has his chum Wesley to keep him company
as he dances like a lunatic, and there is no sight of those dreadful Bouvier
sisters!
ACE
Who?
DOCTOR WHO
That is a long and complicated story. In the meantime, we may as well
make the most of our current location… and seeing as it's the Cult TV weekend,
we'll fit right in!
ACE
Sounds good to me. It'll certainly make a change from that holding cell
I just spent hours caged up in. Lead the way!
NARRATOR
As we reach the end of our tale, we find the
universe as it once was. Colonel O'Neill had a hard time explaining his sudden
disappearance and quite where he had acquired his new found dress sense from,
Milliways - the Restaurant at the End of the Universe - were very pleased to
have Marvin back, if only for him to sort out the mess of crashed spacecraft
Wesley had left in his wake. Kathryn Janeway was very glad to be back on the
Voyager, and having been interrogated by Neelix for every known type of cocktail
on Earth, the barman the Captain had switched places with was glad to return
home. And in Springfield, Homer Simpson was less than pleased to have Patty
and Selma back. Well, you can't please all the people all the time.
The end ???
