TITLE: Ghost Writer
AUTHOR: Sam Carton
EMAIL: Stardoor@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4, Probably after 2010
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: SG1 get hold of some pretty fine fiction via the Internet
however, some surprises are in store for them as a result.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: No, the characters aren't mine. I have never owned SG1 in any way shape or form and am certainly not likely to in the future! This piece of fiction was written strictly for fun and no profit was made from it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

Daniel Jackson was sitting quietly in the mess hall, reading what could only be described as the most mind blowing piece of fiction he had laid eyes on for a while. It had his heart racing, the characters had drawn him well and truly into their world and the description of what they got up to was graphic enough, whilst not being offensive. Still, as Daniel was familiar with more factual works of literature, it was enough to make him blush.

That was something Colonel O'Neill noticed when he walked into the mess hall for some coffee. He'd run out of the stuff in his office, yet again.... And as there were some things it was impossible to do without...

"Hey, Daniel."

No response.

"Er... Danny boy?" O'Neill ventured.

Daniel was still engrossed in his own little world.

"Earth to Daniel?" O'Neill said. Then he figured, in for a penny in for a pound...

"DANIEL!!"

The startled archaeologist nearly fell out of his chair, sent his coffee flying and managed to drop his fascinating piece of writing onto the floor.

"Jack, you startled me and OW!!" Daniel jumped up and tried to mop up the hot coffee down his legs with a towel. "Did you have to do that?!"

"Sorry... I just wanted to say hello and..." O'Neill reached down and picked up the papers Daniel had been reading. "What's this"

"Not for your eyes."

"Now, Daniel that's no way to talk to your commanding officer."

"Jack... I'm a civilian."

"Damn. The one loophole and you have to find it." O'Neill said in mock exasperation. "Now, onto the hot stuff in question... what is it?"

O'Neill scanned a few lines before looking at Daniel in a way that said, and I thought I knew you.

"I can read what I like." Daniel said, then realised he sounded very much like a kid trying to justify himself to his dad or something. "It's a work of fiction... it's escapism, an exploration of human nature, a "

"It's smut, Daniel. Pure and simple... smut..." O'Neill's voice trailed off as he found himself drawn into the story in front of him. He looked up at Daniel. "Where'd ya get it from?"

"The internet. I found it while I was researching."

"Uh huh..." O'Neill said, realising that he would have to turn the page soon. He glanced down at the internet address printed on the bottom of the page, then attempted to memorise it. "Well, if it keeps you happy."

"Yeah, it does."

O'Neill handed Daniel back his story and hung around for long enough to see the archaeologist leave. He waited five minutes before heading to his office. He needed his own dose of smut.

"Well, Daniel, it's going to be sore for a while, but there's no major damage done." Doctor Frasier said as she finished examining Daniel's scalded leg.

"Thanks." Daniel said, as he pulled up his trousers. His leg was a violent shade of red from where the coffee had hit it, not to mention uncomfortable.

"What's this?" Doctor Frasier asked, picking up the neatly clipped together papers.

Oh no, not again... Daniel thought. "It's uh... something I... uh... picked up off the Internet..."

"Really..." Frasier said, as she began to read. "That's disgusting... with a salad fork? And... what were they doing in the pantry?!"

"Uh... it's historical so there had to be a pantry somewhere..."

"It's historical filth but...." Dr Frasier looked at Daniel with raised eyebrows. "I never had you down for reading this..."

"Oh... uh... you know some days, I just need a change."

"So I see..."

"Anyway, if you think it's so unacceptable, why are you still reading it?"

"Because whoever wrote it did a damn fine job."

At last. Someone was on Daniel's side and wasn't afraid to admit it.

"Tell you what... you can have that copy... I'll print myself one off."

"That's sweet of you, Daniel."

Daniel smiled and found himself blushing. "Any time. It's my pleasure."

Daniel had not just printed off the first chapter, but had decided to go the whole hog and print out the rest. He just had to know the fate of the characters. He was carefully laying the piles on his desk, ready to clip them together, when Teal'c walked in. Daniel did not see him at first, and jumped when he finally registered the tall Jaffa in his room.

"Oh! Teal'c!!" Daniel gasped as he jumped.

"I did not intend to startle you, Daniel Jackson. I merely wished to know whether I could be of any assistance."

"Yeah... possibly... I'll be right with you..."

Teal'c's eyes wandered to the neat piles of print outs on Daniel's desk. He raised an eyebrow and began reading.

"At first, I assumed these would be mission reports. However, they appear to be something far better." A smile spread across Teal'c's face as he read.

Daniel was surprised at first, then he remembered he was looking at the same guy who had, in the past, drunk black coffee straight from the pot and read tabloids as he found them... fascinating. Daniel knew he should not be as surprised as he was, but still...

"So you... like this stuff?" Daniel ventured.

"Indeed. And I would like to read more."

"Well, fine..." Daniel began, realising that he had someone on side who could defend his point of view n a fight... should it come to that. "Well... why don't you take that copy... and come to me when you need the next chapter?"

"Thank you, Daniel Jackson. It will be my pleasure."

I'll get past the first chapter somehow, Daniel thought. It was at times like this he was glad of the reams of paper he was furnished with by the base due to his research work.

Once finished, he resumed his reading of the first chapter.

"I have to find out who writes this stuff... it's just... great..."

Janet Frasier was glad that the infirmary was so quiet that day. SG1 aren't off and away someplace, she mused with a wry smile. Smiling, she finished the chapter in her hands and looked at the web address. She turned on her computer and logged onto the internet, determined to find out what happened next.

Just then, there was a knock on her door.

"Hi, Janet."

"Oh, hello Sam," Frasier answered. "Come on in. I was concerned you were one of the guys for a moment."

"Why's that? Have you got some secret you want to hide?"

"It's not that... Daniel handed this to me earlier on. You really have to give it a go I didn't think I'd like it at first but it's great."

Carter picked up the sheaf of paper and speed read the first page. "This is smut... but..."

"Yeah that's what I said. Daniel was quite embarrassed when I picked it up."

"Why was he reading it in here?"

"He spilt coffee down himself earlier on."

"If he was reading this, I'm not surprised!" Carter replied, with a smile. "It's certainly what you would call... racy..."

Colonel O'Neill wasn'the world's fastest reader but that didn't stop him wandering around the base reading the first chapter of the racy fiction Daniel had introduced him to. Of course, if anyone asked him, he could say he was catching up on a briefing or something...

Then again, no-one would believe him and if they did the shock could have proved too much. All the same, O'Neill was determined to finish this work of art. He wandered along the passages of the SGC and was surprised to find himself in the Gate Control room.

"Good morning, sir." Davis said as he sat down at his terminal.

"Oh, hey there." O'Neill said.

"What's that you're reading?"

"Daniel introduced me to " O'Neill stopped himself in mid flow, then decided to switch to lie mode. "Daniel decided to introduce me to... the fine art of... reading... research reports."

Davis looked at him with an statement that said, you're lying and I know it.

O'Neill, by now deeply engrossed in the story in hand, wandered though the gate room, until he tripped on something and landed flat on his face.

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!" he said, picking himself up off the floor. He looked back and realised that he'd scattered the contents of Walter Davis's bag all over the Gate control room. "Damn, I'm sorry..."

Then he realised he recognised some of the contents.

"Hey, you're into this stuff, too?"

"Oh, er... yeah..." Davis looked flustered as he grabbed the sheafs of paper and stuffed them into his bag.

"It's a real hit around the base." O'Neill said, and decided to tactfully make his departure before he caused any more damage to his colleagues and their possessions.

Hours later, SG1 and Doctor Frasier were sitting around a table, discussing the fiction they had all been reading that day.

"I was meant to be working on the naquada reactor, but I got into this stuff and I can't stop reading it."

"And I thought Hathor had cornered the market of putting people under a spell..." Daniel said, "I mean, have you guys got to Chapter Three yet?"

"Daniel." O'Neill said. "Have you actually done any work today?"

"Work? I... uh... no..."

O'Neill looked at Daniel with an statement of surprise. "No?!"

Daniel smiled nervously. "No... I guess I didn't get around to it."

"I must agree with Daniel Jackson. Chapter Three is indeed a fascinating insight into the characters and their lives."

"You're reading this stuff, too?" O'Neill gasped.

"Way to go, Teal'c!" Carter laughed. Teal'c looked at her with an amused glance.

"Colonel O'Neill... our paths cross again." A voice sounded from the doorway.

The group at the table looked around to see Walter Davis walk into the room.

"Oh, hi..." O'Neill said. "Listen... I really am sorry about spilling your stuff around the gate control room earlier on..."

"Oh, that's OK."

"Hey... seeing as you're into the same reading matter as us, why don't you join in the conversation?" O'Neill said.

"OK..." Davis said, and went to get himself a coffee. He sat down with the group of readers and quietly sipped his hot drink. "So, where are you up to?"

"Not as far as you I mean... Daniel here is up to Chapter Three..." O'Neill said.

"How far are you up to?" Daniel asked.

"Well, Mr Speed Reader here is right up to Chapter Ten..." O'Neill said, pointing at Davis.

"Chapter Ten?" Daniel repeated. "But... the latest chapter on the Internet is Chapter Nine..."

"Uh... I just remembered I have a few things to do.." Davis got up, looking very self-conscious and scuttled out of the room.

"He's a dark horse, isn't he?" O'Neill said.

"Indeed." Said Teal'c, raising an eyebrow and trying to suppress a very broad grin.

"But if he is as embarrassed as this about us finding out his secret, he may not wish to complete the story." Sam said, suddenly gripped with panic at the thought of never finding out who would do what to who, how they would do it and how it would all turn out in the end.

"OH, NO!" Daniel gasped. "I can't live with that! I must get him to finish it! My sanity is at stake!!"

Daniel bolted out of the room after Davis, running like crazy.

"WALTER!" Daniel yelled. "WALTER, WAIT UP! PLEASE!!!"

Daniel caught up with the embarrassed technical officer at long last.

"Walter, we really like your work... I mean... you wrote all that stuff, didn't you?"

"Yes, and I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. This is going to be around the base in seconds." Walter said, looking embarrassed and ashamed. "I only wanted an outlet for my creative abilities..."

"Walter, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Colonel O'Neill thinks your work is great and you know how fussy he is Carter and Frasier have been reading it non stop today I can't put it down and Teal'c's nuts about it too."

"Teal'c?"

"Yeah he can't put it down." Daniel said. "Look, I'll do you a deal. We'll swear to secrecy if you write the concluding chapters..."

"OK..." Davis said, a wicked statement creeping across his face, "but you'll have to really suck up to me."

In the next few weeks, Walter Davis was waited on hand and foot. General Hammond watched suspiciously as Colonel O'Neill, of all people, bought him coffee, Daniel was on hand with refreshments, Carter seemed overly helpful and Teal'c seemed to be constantly holding doors open for the guy. Something was up and SG1 were being extremely tight lipped about it.

"So... have you noticed something strange about SG1 lately?" Hammond asked when he summoned Davis into his office.

"Uh... no, sir. I haven't." Davis said, looking around the general's office. He did not come in here often and had decided to make the most of the experience. The place looked well ordered, immaculately decorated and the pile of papers showed that the General was a busy man...

... among other things.

Davis noticed something familiar about one of the wads of paper peeping out from under a mound of technical briefs on the General's desk.

Should I let him in on the secret? Davis wondered. He's the guy in charge here if this backfires...

The next day, Walter Davis dialled in the address for SG1's mission destination. They all turned and waved to him just before jumping into the puddle and off the planet. Davis smiled. It was nice to be appreciated.

Just then, a silver tray with a pot of coffee, milk and sugar, complete with a fancy looking cup and saucer was placed next to his terminal.

"It was coffee you wanted?"

"Yes... that will do nicely... thank you." Davis said.

He watched General Hammond leave and smiled wickedly to himself. The Goa'uld could keep their flying pyramids and serpent guards Davis had found a far more effective way of asserting power... and he was willing to bet his method was much more fun than anything the system lords could come up with.

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