"From what the MALP showed us, this planet seems relatively civilised." Said Daniel as he stood on the ramp with the rest of his team, anticipating another interesting trip through the wormhole in front of him.
"Now, Danny… you know how appearances can be deceptive." O'Neill replied, eyeing the event horizon in front of him.
"Uh… yeah." Daniel said. "Still, we can hope."
"Ever the optimist." O'Neill said and stepped through the gate.

******

SG1 emerged from the rippling horizon of the Stargate and onto an alien world. The first impression they got of the alien world was how sterile it all looked. The second was how much it looked like…
"An airport…" said Colonel O'Neill under his breath.
"Sir?" Carter enquired.
"Am I going nuts or does this place look like an… airport..?"
"Now you mention it… yeah…"
"And look… here's the tour rep." O'Neill gestured in the direction of a figure who was obviously an official. He had the hallmarks - a starched looking suit, high collar and - could O'Neill make out pin stripes? - he was carrying PX58042's version of a clipboard and his black hair was scraped back as harshly as it could physically go. He did not look pleased to see SG1, who would not have been surprised to see steam coming out of his ears. He marched towards them, then stopped dead at a point about ten feet in front of them.
"Hi… we're travellers from planet Earth… we come in peace -" Daniel began.
"SHUT UP!!" the official barked.
"Uh… OK." Daniel stood in stunned silence.
"That's telling you." Said O'Neill.
"The same applies to you!" the official snapped. "Who are you, where are you from and why did you not apply for clearance?!"
"Clearance…?" O'Neill repeated.
"Yes - clearance…" the official said, "We have a busy gate port to run here. People turning up when they feel like disrupts our schedule. Do you think you're the only travellers in the universe?"
"We happen to know we're not and as you're so worried we'll just step out of your way." O'Neill turned to his team and gestured forwards. "Come on, team. We don't want to get in the way of our charming host's gate, now do we?"
Daniel started off glaring at their "host" and then found himself examining his expression. There was something about his expression that was intriguing him. It was as though he was keeping something back.
"Jack…" Daniel said.
"Not now, Danny." Said O'Neill striding forward.
"Jack -"
"I said not now - OW!" Jack jumped back, stung by the electricity of a volatile force field, and went crashing into Teal'c who was directly behind him. "Why didn't you say anything?!"
"You didn't ask." The official said smugly, his hands on his hips. "You don't think we'd just allow just anybody to come marching through the gate and around our planet looking around as if they owned it…"
"OK - Daniel - why didn't you say anything?"
"Because you didn't give me a chance, Jack." Daniel replied.
"Nuts." Said Jack O'Neill, realising that a perfectly reasonable day looked like it was going to turn into a nightmare.
"Excuse me?" the official enquired sharply.
"Nothing. It's just a phrase we use on earth to describe… stuff…"
The official tapped on his clipboard with a stylus and examined it closely, then lifted his head to regard his poor captives once more.
"Follow me. And be quick about it - we haven't all day you know!" the official turned on his heel. "And don't try using your weapons - they are quite useless, I can assure you. It's one of the perks of our technology."
O'Neill grunted, Carter rolled her eyes and Daniel looked around with interest.
"Wow… it's just like an airport…"
The official looked over his shoulder and continued walking. "Did I hear you say airport?"
"Yes… whatever your name is - I said airport." Daniel replied.
O'Neill could hear the tension in Daniel's voice. It reassured him in a sick kind of way that this jumped up official was getting to the usually passive archaeologist.
"You are still using aeroplanes?" the official's voice rose an octave with the last word, in ridicule.
"Yes." Daniel replied tersely.
"You people are such primitives!" the official started laughing out loud.
"For crying out loud…" Daniel said.
O'Neill looked at him with raised eyebrows.
"Are you feeling OK, Danny?"
"I need some coffee…" Daniel said quietly, hoping to avoid more sarcasm from their guide. "Or something - that guy is getting on my nerves."
"My name…" the official began, "Is Nomel."
"Nomel…" said Daniel under his breath. "Nomel… that sounds kind of familiar somehow…"
"You know of me?" Nomel turned and looked at his charges, beaming a smile.
Daniel shrugged. "Actually… no. But I figured out why your name rings a bell. You see, on earth, we have a fruit called a lemon… and your name is lemon backwards."
O'Neill and Carter both suppressed giggles. Teal'c could not hold back an amused twinkle in his eyes.

Nomel turned a deep shade of red and went from his official march to a moody stomp.
"Just out of interest… we sent a MALP through - a big, bulky looking probe…?" Carter said, "I don't suppose you happen to have it anywhere?"
"We do." Snapped Nomel. "Lost property. Queue's over there." He indicated to a queue about a mile long in front of which was a long silver desk. There was a distinct look of satisfaction on his face.
"We have to queue for our MALP?" O'Neill asked incredulously.
"It's the only way you'll get it back." Sniffed Nomel. "There's an information desk over there. If you want to gate out of here, make a booking but be warned, there's a long wait. You may well be here several weeks."
"Several weeks?!" Colonel O'Neill repeated. "We were only supposed to be here twenty four hours!!"
"By order of whom?"
"Our head guy, that's whom!!"
"I will leave you here. You will be searched prior to leaving the gateport, should you ever make it out of here. Security reasons." Nomel said as they reached what appeared to be a waiting area. The area was huge, with kiosks at various intervals around the hall, each with its own queue. Seating was placed here and there, while an announcement board flashed up arrivals and departures. It looked like a very clean, very functional airport with more room to move than you could shake a 321 airbus at.
"I'm all for queuing to get our MALP back. I don't even want to think what they'll do to us - or it - if we leave it in our charming hosts' hands for too long." Carter said.
"Fine. Take Teal'c with you. Me and Danny are going to scout around." O'Neill said.
Daniel shrugged. "Sounds fine to me."

******

Daniel and O'Neill wandered around for a while until the sight of clean tiling everywhere they looked, queues for everything and signs telling a person what not to do finally proved too much. They found themselves a couple of seats and sat themselves down. Far off in the distance they could see the queue for lost property and imagined that Carter and Teal'c were somewhere towards the back.
"Daniel - we'll have to relieve those two before they lose their minds."
"Great - I'll have a chance to catch up on my reading."
"What'cha reading?" Jack asked, sure that he would regret asking the question.
"Voyage to Atlantis… it's about a journey to discover the most likely resting place of Atlantis and the facts that back up such a claim…" Daniel looked at the face of the Colonel sitting beside him. "Okay, Jack. I know that look. I'll shut up now."
"Thanks."

******

Sam Carter sat cross-legged on the floor reading a book about astrophysics. She had been meaning to start it for a while now and figure that there was bound to be some time during a mission she would have a quiet five minutes to at least skim through it.
That was when she heard it.
"I'm reading that kind of book at school!"
She looked up to see a blond child of about eight, looking at her down his nose.
"Oh really." She said, and went back to reading.
"Mister…" the kid was tugging at Teal'c's clothes. "Can I play with your boom stick?"
"It is a blast lance and you may not."
"But… all weapons are deactivated here… pleeease…?"
Sam took a quick glance at Teal'c as he glare at the kid using one of his most imposing stares. The kid's eyes went wide, he paled and backed off. Teal'c looked satisfied and went back to standing in an imposing fashion in the queue.

******

"So, what do you think of the place, Daniel?"
"I'll put it this way - the thought of spending any more time here than I have to does not inspire me with confidence." Daniel sighed. "At least I have some coffee with me."
Daniel pulled a can out of his backpack and turned it upside down.
"Daniel what is that?" O'Neill said. "Coffee in a can…?"
"Yep. Coffee in a can. Hopefully it should just about keep me sane. If not, heaven help me."
"I'm glad you told me it's coffee - it looks like some kind of explosive device." O'Neil said.
"WHAT?!" someone said from behind them. "You have a bomb?!"
They turned to see a green tinged humanoid figure with extremely large ears and an even bigger mouth looking at them. If the situation had not have been so serious, the sight would have been funny, particularly given that the creature had strange eyes on stalks. As it was, it was like a loud hailer had just alerted the entire gateport to the fact that Daniel's favourite hot beverage was now a national security threat.
"Peachy." Said O'Neill, "Just peachy."
Daniel groaned. "Can't I even have some coffee in peace?!"
"WHAAAT!?!?" the alien screeched. "You're drinking coffee? That's a banned narcotic in these parts!! It's illegal to be in possession of it - just having it about your person is right up there with smuggling chocolate!!"
"And what's wrong with chocolate?" O'Neill ventured.
"It's a banned substance!!" the alien screeched once more.
O'Neill whimpered.
"Well, great. Now I'm going to be done for possession of narcotics. General Hammond is just going to LOVE this!" Daniel sulked.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"
O'Neill covered his ears as the alien turned up it's voice box to what O'Neill hoped was maximum. Any more volume and the windows would be history.
"In what respect?"
"You said the H word! That's an obscenity!!"
"Huh? As in Hammond?"
"There it is again!!"
"It's the name of our commanding officer!" Daniel got up and glared at the alien. "We are under the command of General Hammond - How can a simple name like that be so obscene?!"
"Daniel -" O'Neill said as he saw signs of trouble.
"And I am an archaeologist who happens to like chocolate - in fact, do have some!" Daniel whipped a bar out of his pocket and proffered it to the alien who shrank away.
"Daniel!" O'Neill snapped.
"And I happen to love coffee in a can!" Daniel depressed the button on the base of the can, releasing a red liquid into the main compartment. He placed it down and looked at his watch. "Three minutes and I can enjoy some caffienated goodness -"
"DANIEL!!" O'Neill yelled. "Get a grip!"
"Why should I?"
"Because there are approximately twenty guys with filthy great guns all aiming their weapons at us!!"
Daniel froze. He removed his attention from the strange looking alien and saw that Jack was right. Silence descended upon them.
Until the can hissed and popped.
The guys with the guns, all dressed in black and looking like the military from hell, shifted their weapons towards Daniel.
"It's just a can of a… hot beverage." He went to pick it up. "It's not dangerous…"
"Stay where you are!" one of the guards demanded, although it was hard to tell who had spoken as they were all wearing masks.
"Really - it's only a beverage…" Daniel said, pausing and then going for the can once more.
"Daniel, do as the nice man says or -"
"Let me show you -"
A shot rang out, Daniel screamed in pain and O'Neill sighed in exasperation. "Or he'll shoot you…" he finished off under his breath.
Daniel fell to his knees and lifted his hand to his shoulder, knowing what he would see when he checked his fingers.
Blood.
"We told you to stay where you were." The masked man reached for his radio. "Send the bomb squad at once. And… we could use some medical help, too. Yes, that's right - I had to shoot him. Yet another one who wouldn't do as he's told."
Daniel, at that point, lay curled up on the floor.
"Are you OK?"
"He shot me… I only wanted a coffee and he shot me…" Daniel said. "Remind me never to book a holiday here."

******

"Mister…"
The kid was back.
Teal'c glared at him but this time it did not work.
"Are you a Jaffa?"
"I am."
"My dad says that the Jaffa are one of the least impressive armies in the universe. Fancy needing a symbiote to keep you alive…"
Sam looked up at Teal'c and wondered whether he was going to do what she suspected was on his mind.
"Have you ever seen such a symbiote?"
"No... But I bet they're disgusting and gross and…"
And with that, Teal'c lifted his shirt and gave the kid a look. He screamed in fear and went to run behind his parents, who were ignoring his antics. His father looked at Teal'c and gave a long-suffering smile.
"Thanks. We've been trying to shut him up ever since we got here."
"It is my pleasure to be of service."

******

O'Neill could see an alarming amount of Daniel's blood pooling on the shiny tiled floor underneath the fallen archaeologist.
"Oh crap - Daniel…" O'Neill was about to examine the wound when he was roughly shoved to one side by four nondescript looking men dressed head to toe in white and carrying a stretcher. They put the stretcher down, and set to work on Daniel, who protested to start with but then shut up and let them get on with what they were doing. O'Neill wondered whether it was because Daniel wasn't in the mood to argue or whether it was more to do with the shot of something they gave him.
"Relatively civilised…" Daniel said under his breath.
"What was that, Danny?"
"This place… before we went through the gate… I said it was relatively civilised… the next time I say anything like that I want you to kick me, Jack… hard…" Daniel closed his eyes and drifted off into a drug induced sleep.
"Oh crap… Daniel…" O'Neill said. There were times when only the tried and tested sayings would do.

"How long exactly have we been waiting here?" Carter asked, as she got through chapter four of the Astrophysics book she was thoroughly engrossed in.
"Four hours, thirty seven minutes and nine seconds."
"And have we actually moved anywhere?"
"Approximately five point two centimetres."
"Teal'c… how can you be so precise?"
"I have been afforded the time to contemplate our situation."
"Oh well…" Carter said, "five centimetres is better than nothing. I wonder how Colonel O'Neill and Daniel are getting on?"

******

"I'm sorry, Jack…" Daniel said as he was patched up.
"I can't take you anywhere." O'Neill sighed. "General H… er… the boss is going to love hearing about how you sparked a security alert while trying to get your caffeine for the day."
One of the guards glared at O'Neill, who returned the favour.
"How can they not allow coffee in this place? Can we just go home? Surely General… er… you-know-who won't be too annoyed we don't have the MALP when he sees the state I'm in?"
"Much as I hate to show such disrespect…" O'Neill looked around with distaste, "I really don't give a damn about the MALP any more. I just want to get through the gate and go home…"
"Have you made a booking?" one of the gate port guards asked.
"No… I was too busy seeing my friend here get shot…"
"I'd advise that you do or it could be quite some time before you see your home world again."
"Jack - make the booking - please!!" Daniel pleased from where he lay.
"I can't just run off and leave you - these creeps could do anything to you -"
"Anything? We've already been through half the things the universe can throw at us! Jack - I want to go home… you want to go home and the only way we're going to get there is if you get to the desk and make the damn booking!"
"Easy, Danny." O'Neill said, placing a hand on Daniel's uninjured shoulder. O'Neill looked up at the guards and took a deep breath, trying to keep his cool. "Okaay… I want to know what you intend to do with Daniel, and whether I am free to go and make the…. Hammond… booking therefore getting myself and my team off your planet and out of your hair…" O'Neill could see the guys around him wince as he said the forbidden H word, and wondered just how such a name had wound up to be so obscene.
"When you give us incentives like that, you are free to go on the condition that one of our party accompanies you to the desk to ensure that you make the booking."
"Sure." O'Neill shrugged. "Trust me - I want to get to that desk as soon as I can. In the meantime, I'd like to know what you're going to do with Daniel."
"We'll patch him up after which, given his offence he will spend a week in one of our travel call centres as punishment."
"WHAT?!" O'Neill tried to suppress the urge to laugh. "Your… call… centres…"
"Yes… by that time, your colleagues may or may not have retrieved your primitive item of equipment and you may well have made your booking."
"Made my booking? What makes you say that? I'd expect to be on my way home by now!"
"Have you seen the queue at the booking office?"
O'Neill turned and looked in the direction the guard was pointing in. The queue was just as long as that for the lost property office. O'Neill sighed and wanted to find a brick wall to bash his head against.
"This just gets better and better!" he exclaimed. "OK… no time like the present. I'm sorry, Danny… but - I think you'll have a better time in the call centre than I will queuing. And heaven only knows how Carter and Teal'c are getting on with the lost property queue."
"OK, Jack… I'll see you in a week… I hope." Daniel said as the guards lifted him up on the stretcher.
The head guard turned to one of his counterparts and directed him to accompany O'Neill. The man in question was of a more slender build than the rest and when he lifted his visor he had the kind of appearance that O'Neill would have associated with a nerd….

Why did O'Neill have to be right about the guard?
Ognam, the guard in question, was fascinated by technology in the same way Carter was, but while Carter could be relied upon to at least make the subject interesting and bearable, this guy could not take a hint…
"This gate port has some of the most advanced systems of its kind in place, powered by -"
"Naquada by any chance?"
"Oh no… waste - for example, bodily waste from our many cities is processed under the plant in order to give us the heat and light we require…"
O'Neill closed his eyes and tried not to think about what was below his feet, musing that he knew the mission stank from the moment he stepped through the gate. He looked at his watch. He did not want to know how long this would take.

******

The next morning, having spent a night in a reasonable looking hospital, Daniel Jackson was escorted from his place of rest and along a small street to another uniform looking building, which was like a cube - white walls and windows at regular intervals. Not too far away, he could see the large, hulking building of the gate port obscuring the horizon. It was like a larger version of the building in front of him. At least he wouldn't be too far away from his colleagues should the worst happen, which it had a habit of doing.
Daniel Jackson, dressed in blue overalls with the words "call centre operative" stamped on them, stepped into the large room filled with desks and telephones everywhere he looked. He had been led through a large pair of black gates with the words "No Unauthorised Access" in large black letters on a red background, and then through a heavy entrance door, which sealed itself automatically behind him. He was led along a straight white corridor and through several more sets of automatic doors to arrive in what looked like office hell. He had no idea how many desks there were, but it must have run to about one hundred and fifty.
Each of the desks was manned, with several imposing supervisors dressed in black overalls, each with a clipboard they referred to frequently. They seemed to have the enviable job of walking around and telling people to get a move on in answering the calls and entering information. Daniel had a bad feeling about the whole situation. With one arm in a sling, and his shoulder still giving him considerable pain, he wondered how he was supposed to enter information at the speed that was obviously required.
The answer was that he wasn't. He was led to a side room by one of the supervisors who were dressed in black and looked like something from hell - which, he mused wryly, was probably not short of the truth. He found himself in a room, which housed ten rows of desks seating five people, all looking extremely unhappy. The captives were all answering calls and apologising profusely down the phone. They weren't inputting data, but it seemed that their job was just as unpleasant as their colleagues' in the main room.
Daniel looked at his escort with a puzzled expression.
"What the -"
"The complaints division. If you can survive here a week, you will be free to go."
"If I can survive a week --?"
As if on cue, a wail emitted from one of the people at the desks, who threw down his headset and screamed that he could take no more. Two black clad supervisors came marching into the room and carried him out as he screamed and sobbed helplessly.
"How long has he been here?"
"About three days."
It can't be that bad… thought Daniel as he was marched to a desk. He picked up a headset and, as instructed, pressed a button.
Before he pressed the button, the switchboard in front of him had been lit up with green and red lights. The instant that Daniel pressed the button, there was a crackle and the device failed completely. He stared at it in shock. He looked around and then back to his switchboard. No-one had noticed what had happened, which left Daniel wondering what to do. He wanted to call over the supervisor, who was now standing at the door, but he figured that he would be able to fix the damned thing somehow… He picked up the device, examined the underside and found no clue as to how to get it back on line. Looking at the back, he saw three wires, looking for all with world like telephone wires. Curious, he unplugged and replaced each one, but found that the device was still not functioning.
"Hmmmm…" Daniel said, seeing a long black wire trailing out of the back of the device and leading somewhere under the desk. He followed the black wire and found that it ended under a floor panel of some kind. Lifting the floor panel, Daniel inspected the myriad of cables, tracked down the one that was connected to his switchboard, pulled, and -
There was a spark; a sudden flux of energy, and Daniel was thrown back as a result of feeling the force of some of the energy in question. His head struck the underside of the desk and he was laid out cold.
As he lay unconscious, he missed the sight of every single telephone unit in the place losing power, swiftly followed by the lights and the display screens highlighting how many calls had been answered in how many seconds. From outside the office, a series of loud clanks signalled that there was no longer any power to any of the security doors, either.
The workers imprisoned in the centre all realised that they were no longer receiving calls and tentatively put down their headsets. Looking around and realising that nothing else was working, they jumped up from their chairs and made a mad dash for freedom. The supervisors tried to block their exit, but to no avail. The majority were brushed to one side while several others were dragged off and locked in the toilets, the door barricaded by one of the large desks, to keep them out of the way.
Amid the chaos, Daniel opened his eyes slowly and realised that he was no longer at his desk. He also realised that wherever he was, he was moving… or more to the point being carried. Looking around frantically, he tried to get his bearings and realised that he was slung over the shoulder of one of the poor unfortunates of the call centre who happened to be built like a tank.
"Hey - what happened?!"
"You saved us, buddy! We're free! We don't have to deal with any more nagging customers wanting to book passage through the gate! You're a hero!"
"Uh - thanks!" Daniel gasped, as the guy ran down the corridor, knocking the breath out of the archaeologist with every step.

******

In the gateport, O'Neill realised that his brain hurt. The guard next to him was going on and on about the development and construction of the gateport - a subject that O'Neill did not care for. He had not cared for it the previous night and he hated to admit it - no, that was a lie - it was his pleasure to admit - that it was driving him round the bend. It was clear that the guy was enthused about the whole subject, which only served to make matters worse. O'Neill grunted in the right places and tried to ask a few questions, if only to prevent him from falling asleep where he stood. The disheartening thing was that he was still at the end of the queue, it had not moved and he was sure he could barely see the end of it stretching into the distance.
Whatever it is I've done, I apologise… he thought, just let me get home - I'll do anything - just let me go home…
And then the lights dimmed.
O'Neill looked around, confused. The brilliant ceiling lights had dimmed considerably to the point where the only thing lighting the large hall was sunlight through the transparent ceiling.
"What the…?"
On the announcement boards near the gate embarkation point, the words "power failure" showed up. O'Neill did not even bother to hide the smile that lit his face up. That meant that the shields would be down… never mind the MALP -this was the chance his team had been waiting for.
Then realisation dawned upon him.
Where the hell was Daniel?

******

"It's OK, buddy - this will do me fine!" Daniel said.
"The gate port? Why?" his fellow ex-captive asked as he set Daniel down.
"I come from a far off place - my friends are in there and I need to get home!"
"Well, bon voyage, pal - and thanks!"
Daniel watched his companion go, before turning and running into the gateport itself.
All hell was breaking out. Far from being the organised, sanitised area it had once been, people were screaming and running around in sheer panic, the lost property office had been turned into a free for all with people jumping over the desk to grab their belongings. Daniel looked around in desperation to see Colonel O'Neill running in his direction… no, wait - to see Colonel O'Neill trying to escape a rather nerdy looking guy in black - the same guy who had been assigned to him the previous day.
"Jack!" yelled Daniel.
"Daniel!! Save me!" O'Neill yelled.
"What?!"
"This guy's boring me to death!! Use your cultural babble - anything - just get him off my back!""
"What can I -" Daniel began, but ran towards the Colonel anyway. Just as he drew level with the colonel a surge of adrenaline made him do something he never would have contemplated in his life. The colonel passed Daniel and turned on his heel to stop. The guard was still running -
Until Daniel unleashed a high kick, caught him around the head, and sent the guy crashing to the ground. Daniel gracefully regained his equilibrium and looked down at the guard, who was out cold. He looked at O'Neill, who was staring at him with a stunned expression on his face.
"Daniel, how did you…?"
"Uh… you wanted me to stop him." Daniel said, his face the picture of innocence.
"Right, now we have to find Carter and Teal'c -"
O'Neill looked in the direction the lost property office queue had been in and saw that it was now a complete scrum. Teal'c and Carter were making a mad dash away from the chaos. O'Neill yelled their name and waved his arms. Sure enough, they saw him and made a mad dash in his direction.
"OK, lets get to the gate - move it!!"
The four of them made a mad dash to the gate, with Daniel trying to ignore the pain in his legs from his ambitious high kick. They ran to the gate itself and found themselves fighting their way through crowds of people to get to the DHD. Luckily, it seemed like the majority of people had no idea of how to use it and the only ones with any clue were cowering in the corner behind their clip boards, their once pristine suits looking the worse for wear.
Thankful that the crowd were keeping a respectable distance from the gate, Daniel dialled home, the gate activated and he and his team made a mad dash for the wormhole. He could see the crowd behind them looking a little too interested in the sight. SG1 ran up the ramp and hurled themselves through the wormhole.
The four of them landed on the ramp. O'Neill got his breath back and yelled, "Disengage the wormhole! Seal the iris!!"

"So… what you're telling me is that Daniel Jackson managed to spark a major incident with a can of coffee, cause a widespread power failure and injure his legs to the point where he can't walk without pain doing a high kicking version of Jean Claude Van Damme… while you, Colonel O'Neill, want to take several days leave due to mental torture caused by a… what was that phrase? 'Nerd from hell'… and Carter and Teal'c were unable to retrieve the MALP due to a large queue, followed by a mass riot, at some kind of lost property desk… And apparently my name is something of an obscenity in their language."
"Uh… yeah… that would be it." O'Neill said, trying not to laugh at the last point.
During the conversation, Daniel had started to bang his head in arrhythmic fashion against the briefing room table, which Carter stifled a laugh.
"I'm sure your reports will be… interesting…" General Hammond said slowly. "I have advised against further investigation of this world…"
"Thank you sir!" O'Neill said, relieved.
"However, I would advise keeping Daniel Jackson on a shorter leash in future… or you could find yourselves back on that planet retrieving the MALP."
O'Neill froze and looked at the archaeologist, who was now a bright shade of red.
"We'll find a way…" said O'Neill, looking at Daniel, "I don't know how, but we'll find a way…"

"Hello Daniel." Said Colonel O'Neill.
Daniel looked up and saw that Colonel O'Neill was not alone. Standing next to him was a well built man - no, make that very well built man - with long hair tied back in an immaculate ponytail and a cocky expression on his face.
"Further to our dear General's threat regarding you getting out of line… I believe I have found a solution."
Daniel looked at the guy standing next to O'Neilll. He seemed familiar.
"Wait a minute… I know you… where do I know you from."
The guy standing next to O'Neill raised his arms and pointed at himself with both thumbs, not saying a word.
Realisation dawned upon Daniel.
Rob Van Dam, ass kicking member of the World Wrestling Entertainment corporation, was standing in his office, large as life and in glorious Technicolor.
"Rob Van… Dam…" Daniel said under his breath. "How the…?"
"Well, I happen to like watching wrestling from time to time and the other night, I was wondering how we could keep you in line at least for a little while." O'Neill looked at RVD. "So, I guessed that drastic measures were called for. So… here we have what will hopefully be a solution to our little problem."
"Uh… Okaay…" Daniel said. "I doubt I'm going to be in a position to argue."
"That's what I like to hear. Otherwise our entire team will be back on the planet from hell trying to get our MALP back - and given that it was pretty chaotic last time we were there, that little idea doesn't thrill me. Check in at the gate is in approximately two hours. I'll leave Rob to get to know you."
"Uh… thanks." Said Daniel.
RVD looked at him with a charming but smug smile.
This is going to be interesting, thought Daniel. Thankful that he at least watched a bit of wrestling when he had the opportunity, he tried to engage the wrestling superstar in his presence in conversation.
"So… that split legged moonsault you do… that must take some doing." Daniel said.
"You know my moves?" RVD asked.
"Yeah… I tune into the wrestling when I can."
"That's funny, Jack said that you weren't into that and liked talking to rocks and wandering off."
That sounds like Jack, thought Daniel wryly. "Yeah… well… when I'm not doing that, it's a nice distraction to watch the wrestling, chill out and watch the action."

The Rupert Giles Challenge

"Cup of tea anyone?"
"I say!"
Giles must call Colonel O'Neill a pillock at least once, as well as utter the words "bloody hell".

"Oh, you're such a bloody pillock!"
"And you're a tweed wearing, pain in the neck who… hold on, what's a pillock?"

Outside the briefing room, Sam Carter was trying not to laugh too loudly. Colonel Jack O'Neill was in conversation with a typical British gent who happened to be familiar with the supernatural and therefore was perfect to help out on a mission to a typically weird alien planet. In the theme of typical events, SG1 were due to have a look around in just a few short hours. In the meantime…
"You're an Air Force Colonel and you don't know what a pillock is?!"
"It's hardly going to be part of my training!"
"Next you'll be telling me you don't know the meaning of the word bollocks!"
That did it. Carter ran for her life, knowing that if her heard her cracking up, O'Neill would be an even unhappier bunny than he was already. Carter legged it to her lab, shut the door and let the laughter flow. She laughed until tears rolled down her face and her sides felt like they were splitting.
"Bollocks…" she said under her breath, "Colonel O'Neill doesn't know the meaning of the word bollocks…"
This could turn out to be a hell of a mission.

Colonel O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, Sam Carter and Teal'c all stood on the ramp waiting to embark. O'Neill turned to their temporary member and tried to sound professional.
"OK… gate travel can be a little disorientating, but you'll get over it soon enough.
Rupert Giles gave a little shrug. "Fine. I'm sure I'll be able to handle whatever gets thrown at me… although your device does look a little… odd…"
"Just pretend it's a theme park ride…" said Colonel O'Neill, mentally adding, that is - if you actually g on theme park rides as opposed to drinking endless cups of tea.
"Lead the way," said Giles.
Colonel O'Neill did so and they were off on another jaunt through space to see exactly what was waiting for them the other side.

Giles stepped out of the gate and dusted himself down, then looked around, mildly disorientated.
"That wasn't so bad."
The planet they found themselves on did not look that bad. It was green and fertile enough, with rolling hillsides and a village in the distance with what appeared to be stone built housing and a lively enough existence. There seemed to be something going on in the town itself that was causing a great deal of excitement. The five of them set off, Colonel O'Neill glancing at Giles several times in disbelief.
He had no idea how the Englishman had done it, but Rupert Giles was venturing forth in a tweed suit, his backpack looking completely out of place. O'Neill wanted to know how it as that he couldn't get away with wearing jeans and t-shirts on missions - but them again, he was the Colonel of the piece and had to set an example.