TITLE: Doom, Despair and Don't Mention the Hair!
AUTHOR: Sam Carton
EMAIL: Stardoor@Hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Humor, Drama
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: language
SUMMARY: Daniel finds out something distressing in the pages of a movie magazine, which leads to injury for a certain Colonel who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time....
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: No, the characters aren't mine. I have never owned SG1 in any way shape or form and am certainly not likely to in the future! This piece of fiction was written strictly for fun and no profit was made from it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

"No!!" Daniel was nearly sobbing in the corridor of the SGC, clutching a movie magazine. He was slumped against a wall, his shoulders shaking as he whimpered. "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!"

Daniel slid down the wall onto his knees and ended up staring at the ceiling. "Why?" he said under his breath, "why?!"

Several members of staff had paused to see what was going on, and then moved on, but it was only Colonel O'Neill who dared approach the distraught young scientist.

"Daniel?" O'Neill said gently. "Hey, Danny?"

Daniel turned and looked at O'Neill. He was in a hell of a state. "Jack?" he said, his voice trembling.

O'Neill crouched.

"OK, space monkey, what's up?"

"Only the end of my life, that's all?"

A million possibilities rushed through O'Neill's head not all of them making sense. He regarded Daniel for a few moments, then allowed himself to venture more words of what would hopefully be interpreted as comfort. "What's happened, Daniel? Have the Goa'uld decided to declare open season on Earth yet again or have we had another dose of * happy * news from our old messengers of doom and gloom, the Tok'ra? Or was it the last mission... we went on...?" O'Neill let his words trail off, aware he was rambling on and on out of both concern and utter mystification.

"It's far, far worse than that!!" Daniel broke down into hysterical sobs.

Worse than that?! What kind of trouble was Daniel worked up about to be in this state?! O'Neill followed his instincts and grabbed Daniel by the shoulders, shook him and then slapped him around the face, much as he didn't want to, out of desperation for a coherent response.

Daniel refused to snap out of it.

Still holding the distressed archaeologist firmly by the shoulders, O'Neill tried a different tack and shouted at him loud and clear. "DANIEL!! CALM DOWN!! WHAT THE HELL CAN BE WORSE THAN TOTAL ANNHIALATION BY AN OFF WORLD FORCE?!"

Daniel put his hand to his cheek, seemed to calm down a little, took a deep breath and then looked down at the movie magazine. He picked it up and turned to the relevant page, a look of foreboding on his face.

O'Neill on the other hand had a look of extreme puzzlement on his face. What the hell was going on?

"Oh... boy." O'Neill said when Daniel showed him the page in question.

"No... not the picture of the scantily clad actress!" Daniel said, when he saw O'Neill's eyebrows raise and a smile tug at the Colonel's lips. "This part here!!" he pointed out a review of the movie 'Bridget Jones's Diary'. "How would you feel if you'd just found out that Hugh Grant plays a character with the same first name as you?"

O'Neill tried to keep a straight face but he could not repress the urge to laugh his head off. Daniel, who had faced near death situations, and more close shaves and threats than many people O'Neill knew, was going to pieces because of some British actor he evidently couldn't stand?

"Oh, Daniel. It could be worse." O'Neill said, trying to keep his face straight and his voice level. "Put it this way, it would be far more embarrassing if you hadn't had your hair cut short!"

Daniel lost it at that point, as a horrible image of Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral popped into his mind. In an instant he saw red, then lost control entirely and clouted O'Neill with the hardest right-hander he had ever delivered in his life.

O'Neill went down in an instant.

Daniel looked at him in a state of shock, wondering how the hell he had managed to muster the strength to do such a thing. He paused, staring at the colonel and thanking his lucky stars he no longer had an audience.

Maybe I'm not the wimp some of the marines keep saying I am... Daniel mused, looking at the figure of O'Neill out cold in front of him in disbelief. But I'm damned if I know how to justify Jack O'Neill lying out cold in front of me right next to...

Inspiration hit Daniel like a ten ton train.

"Daniel hit me..." O'Neill said in an unsure voice when Dr Frasier asked him what had happened.

When she looked at him with raised eyebrows, O'Neill knew it sounded a bit stupid.

"Well, I guess I must have upset him I don't really remember. I remember my head being struck by a hell of a hard blow... then... I woke up in here, feeling like a Goa'uld mothership had used my skull as a landing strip."

"Are you sure it was Daniel...?" Frasier could not believe her ears.

It was at that moment Daniel sidled up trying to look as calm as he could, holding the magazine he had shown O'Neill earlier on.

"I think I can clear up what happened," Daniel said, holding up the publication. "You were... looking at this magazine... eyeing up this scantily clad actress when you walked into the wall!" Daniel was frantically hoping he would be believed as he did not want to even think of the consequences if his little fabrication of the truth fell flat on its face.

Janet Frasier looked kind of convinced. It was the kind of thing many people could imagine O'Neill doing after all, he was a red blooded male and a member of the military to boot! For example, it wasn't like many people hadn't noticed the looks he gave Samantha Carter when he thought the coast was clear for him to do so.

"I have no memory whatsoever of looking at..." O'Neill began, then his eyes caught sight of the page Daniel had open in front of him. Damn, was that actress hot!! If he looked at her for much longer, Frasier would have to treat him for a fever.

As it was, she was looking at him in a manner that said, "men!! "

Daniel passed the magazine to O'Neill and then turned away, proposing to walk off slowly and innocently whilst hoping like crazy he wouldn't have to answer too many of O'Neill's questions. There were only so many lies a person could tell in a day and come off convincing while at the same time not tripping themselves up.

However, he was not going to escape that easily.

"Daniel..." O'Neill said.

"Uh, yes Jack?" Daniel continued to step away slowly and with the kind of caution a person would exercise in a mine field.

"Turn around and tell me what else happened?"

Damn, he knows something's up!! Daniel thought, pausing and staying exactly where he was.

"Sorry, Jack... but that's one wish I can't grant you."

"Grant..." O'Neill said under his breath.

It rang a bell.

Quite a few bells, actually.

"Grant..." O'Neill said, a distant memory tugging at his mind.

Shit, the jig's up I'm history!! Daniel thought.

"Hugh Grant..."

Here it comes... Daniel braced for impact.

"HUGH GRANT" O'Neill's voice increased in volume as the memories came flooding back.

I'm so glad he's nowhere near the armoury!!! Daniel thought, holding his breath and wincing for a blast from the irate, bruised colonel. He looked over his shoulder very slowly, opening his eyes cautiously and saw the death glare being shot at him.

O'Neill was severely pissed off.

That meant trouble.

O'Neill sat up, wincing with the pain from his head and shouted loudly and quickly the words that affirmed the hapless archaeologist's fate."DANIELWHENIGETOUTOFTHISBEDYOUAREONEDEADSPACEMONKEY!!!!!!!!"

Daniel didn't doubt for a second he meant it. He made a resolution to enjoy what would be the last days of his life before the colonel was cleared to leave the infirmary and contemplated buying a one way ticket to Egypt, changing his identity and spending a long time there in the vain hope O'Neill would never track him down.

Some hope.

Daniel knew he was going to get paid back in full, and the thought worried him immensely.

"Colonel O'Neill, if you don't calm down, I'm going to have to sedate you." Doctor Frasier said, obviously amused by the interaction between the two SG1 members.

I like that idea very much! Daniel thought, looking over to the doctor with wide, desperate eyes. O'Neill seemed to pick up on that as he lay down in bed once more, looked up at the doctor and gave a forced smile at her.

"Oh... I can be calm alright." O'Neill said, levelling his voice.

Daniel breathed a sigh of relief at that point, until he heard the Colonel's next words.

"After all, revenge is a dish best served cold."

Daniel wanted to crap himself there and then. The colour drained from his face as he turned and practically sprinted out of the infirmary.

Daniel spent the next few days avoiding Colonel O'Neill like the plague. Colonel O'Neill's field training made him dangerous his crankiness and overall view on life only served to make matters worse for anyone who annoyed him. The sad thing was that Daniel had done way, way more than just annoy him. Daniel had practically signed his death warrant.

Well, maybe not quite. But considering it was Colonel O'Neill who had hauled his ass out of the fire on more occasions than he could count, any change in that situation would not be a welcome one. The Colonel also liked to rub salt into the wounds of anyone who deserved it. Even Daniel would admit that he deserved it alright.

One day, Daniel was walking down the corridor, his nose in a book, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"Hello Danny..."

Over sensitised to anything out of the ordinary happening, Daniel screamed and jumped high enough to qualify for the Olympic high jump but not high enough to brain himself on the ceiling, and came to earth with a thump as he landed awkwardly. He picked himself up from a heap in the ground to see Colonel O'Neill smiling at him. O'Neill was sporting an angry looking facial bruise and a forced smile.

"Hi... Jack." Daniel said. "I was just... going to get some... coffee... do you want one?"

"That sounds nice." O'Neill said, clearly and deliberately.

They walked to the canteen, where Daniel went to furnish them with some coffee, when O'Neill stepped in.

"Oh. It's just fine, Daniel. I'll get them."

Daniel got worried. It wasn't that O'Neill was likely to kill him outright, but he could make him suffer a bit or a lot depending on his mood.

"Thanks." Daniel said as O'Neill handed him the cup. He mentally added, I think...

O'Neill sat there, drinking his coffee whilst Daniel stared at his, wondering whether it was laced with laxatives or something. In the Colonel's mood, he wouldn't put it past him.

"Well?" O'Neill said.

"Well what?" Daniel looked at him with scared eyes.

"The coffee's drinkable today it would be a shame to waste it."

"I... guess." Daniel forced himself to drink. It didn't taste that bad and didn't seem to contain anything untoward. Then again, who could tell what O'Neill had been able to lay his hands on in the infirmary? Worse still, the Colonel was watching intently as Daniel sipped the hot drink, only serving to add to Daniel's fears and he knew it.

"Well, what did I tell you?"

Daniel forced a smile. It was true the coffee wasn't as bad as it usually was. Daniel would even have enjoyed it if O'Neill had been in another room, another state or even better, another country.

"Yeah it's OK."

"OK?" O'Neill said. "It's great. In fact, I should get us both another cup of the stuff! Who knows what it will be like tomorrow?"

"I... uh... need to hit the books again. I have some important translations to get through..." Daniel got to his feet and headed for the door, conscious of the state of his bodily functions. The thought of anyone putting laxatives in their colleague's coffee seemed like the act of a cranky, sadistic and vengeful individual which was why Daniel wasn't putting it past O'Neill, given their recent run in.

For the next two hours, Daniel sat at his desk, waiting for an attack of laxative induced trots to strike but nothing. Nothing at all. It worried him more than he liked to think of. If O'Neill hadn't tried to get him with laxatives, what did he have up his sleeve?

Unwilling to think any more about it, Daniel got back to his work, trying anything to keep his mind away form the actions of his team leader.

It was strange the thoughts a person was struck with at two in the morning.

"Screw you and the chevrons you dialled in on!!"

"Go take a leap through the gate the wrong way!"

"If brains were naquada, you'd be owing a lot to the Goa'uld."

"At last we know how to scare the Goa'uld into leaving us alone we give them you as a free gift!"

O'Neill paused when he heard the comments. He turned and peered into the slightly ajar door and looked at Daniel, who was deep into a huge pile of books.

"Who pressed the wrong symbols on your DHD?" Daniel said in a clear voice, not taking his eyes off the book in front of him. "Yeah, that's a good one..." he added in a half murmur.

Yes, it is actually, O'Neill thought as he stared at the young archaeologist an figured he needed to get off the base for some serious rest and relaxation the long hours he put in were obviously driving him nuts.

"Hmmm..." Daniel mused to himself. "What else?"

He finished jotting down notes, went to sit back in his chair, then spotted O'Neill standing in the doorway, waving at him.

"Hey, Danny boy." O'Neill said, with a little smile.

"JACK!!" Daniel yelped, all but jumping ten feet in the air. "How long have you been standing there?!"

"Long enough to hear your anecdotes. And I thought gate travel was getting to be a lame experience." O'Neill leaned against the doorjamb and coked his head to one side. "Let's hope we find an enemy irritating enough for you to try those choice quotes on."

Daniel felt his face burning, but managed to shoot back a brave reply.

"Yeah, well I've been hanging around you for too long..."

"Oh, Daniel..." O'Neill had a mock hurt statement on his face, "How could you say that?"

"Quite easily. As in, I just did." Daniel shrugged, fixing O'Neill with a pair of wide blue eyes. "Particularly after the way you've been torturing me in the past few days."

"Have not!" O'Neill shot back.

"Have too!" Daniel got to his feet.

"Have NOT!" O'Neill added in a louder voice.

"Absolutely have TOO!!" Daniel thumped his hands on his desk.

"OK, just WHAT have I done?" O'Neill demanded, with an open handed shrug.

Daniel thought for a moment. The thing was, the colonel had done next to nothing, apart from worry him by doing nothing at all. The young archaeologist thought hard for a few moments, but the only conclusion he came up with was that Jack's face was looking far better today than the day before.

"I... uh..."

"Well, there ya go." O'Neill turned and left Daniel's office. Daniel watched him leave, sat down slowly and realised that he felt incredibly guilty about the whole incident. He tried to dismiss it in his mind, but found that plan of action to be useless the incident played itself over and over in his mind.

Daniel agonised over the actions of his commanding officer the next day. He typed up notes until some stupid hour and wondered, he caught up on some reading and wondered, he also got cracking with some more translations... and wondered. Eventually, he just had to get himself out of his office before he really did go mad. Looking at the clock he saw he'd pulled an all nighter again. It was 6 am. He wandered down to the canteen for some much needed refreshments and who should he see, but Colonel O'Neill?

The guy's haunting me, Daniel thought, what's he doing here at this stupid hour? All the same he turned to O'Neill and greeted him with "Hey, Jack."

"Hey yourself. Want some fruit loops?"

Fruit loops, typical O'Neill, Daniel thought, and realised that he had been safe with the coffee last time. "OK, that would be great."

O'Neill came over with two bowls of cereal with a little sprinkling of sugar over each. No-one was sure why, but everything seemed to taste that much more bland when you were however many floors under ground. O'Neill placed one down in front of Daniel and slowly savoured his own.

"Daniel..." O'Neill began, "It's been fun torturing you and all particularly as now the latest rumour in the SGC is that I only go home to look at pictures of naked film stars and... oddly, that Hugh Grant is my favourite actor... but enough is enough. Let's call a truce."

"Jack, that would be great. You've had me watching my back ever since that incident."

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'll drink to that." O'Neill said. "Which reminds me I shall have tograb some coffee."

Daniel agreed. Realising how hungry he was, he took a taste of the fruit loops and -

"Urgh! Salt! Salt instead of sugar!"

"Gotcha!!" said O'Neill, grinning like a maniac. "I told you I'd get you back!"

Daniel groaned and realised he must have been out of his mind to think he'd get away that lightly. "Revenge is a dish best served cold..." Daniel repeated Jack's words to him from several days ago. "And how much colder can you get than ice cold milk...?"